The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: pair

  • Prince Charles

    Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.

    At the same street corner he passed, a hooker was standing there every day.

    He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she’d shout.

    "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

    This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"

    He’d yell back, "Five pounds!"

    One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker’s corner, Prince Charles realized she’d bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he’d better have a good explanation for his wife.

    As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood.

    He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

    Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, yah cheap bastard!"

  • Truck Stop Cafe

    A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of
    headlights and a pair of running boards."

    The new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "The trucker out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is? An auto parts store?"

    "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

    "Oh, OK!" said the blonde.

    She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

    The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

    She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, head lights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

  • From the Mouths of Children…

    1) NUDITY
    I was driving with my three young children one warm Summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!"

    2) OPINIONS
    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

    3) KETCHUP
    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
    "Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle."

    4) MORE NUDITY
    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?"

    5) POLICE # 1
    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
    "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
    "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
    The police. Is that right?"
    "Yes, that’s right," I told her.
    "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

    6) POLICE # 2
    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What’d he do?"

    7) ELDERLY
    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

    8) DRESS-UP
    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit." "And why not, Darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

    9) DEATH
    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
    "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

    10) SCHOOL
    A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
    "I’m just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!"

    11) BIBLE
    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
    "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
    "What have you got there, dear?"
    With astonishment in a quiet young boy’s voice, he answered, "I think it’s Adam’s underwear."

  • The Girls Night Out

    Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. They both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they approached the Bacardi Breezers with a little too much enthusiasm.

    Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with this. After the girls did their business, they continued on home.

    The next Day, one woman’s husband was concerned that his normally sweet and Innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,

    ‘These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.’

    ‘You think that’s bad’ said the other husband, ‘Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her butt that says: ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you. ‘

  • The Science of Santa

    1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
    2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT because Santa doesn’t (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total — 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
    3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second — a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
    4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload — not even counting the weight of the sleigh — to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison — this is four times the weight of Elizabeth Taylor.
    5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance — this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

    In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

  • The Sexual Urges of Men and Women

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… "You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That’s fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don’t feel like it."

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

    I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

  • Bob and the Potato

    Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Garge the lifeguard for advice.

    "It’s those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old bloke.

    They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos – about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside them. I’m telling ya man…you’ll have all the babes you want!"

    The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

    Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Bob went back to Garge the lifeguard and asked him, "What’s wrong now?"

    "Lard-Tunderin by!" said Garge, "the potato goes in the front!"

  • The Colorado Woods

    While walking through the Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly  against the tree.

    Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity what  the heck are you doing?"

    "I’m listening  to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

    "You gotta be kiddin’ me."

    "No, would you like to give it a try?"

    Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK."

    He wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

    With this the  other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, and car keys, stripped him naked, and left.

    Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened  to you?"

    He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

    When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear, and said, "This just ain’t gonna be your day, Cupcake."

  • A Soldier in Uniform

    A Soldier in uniform, running very hard came upon a nun standing on the road. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I’ll explain WHY later."

    Thought unusual, the nun agreed to his request.

    Shortly thereafter, two Military Police came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She pointed in a direction and replied, "He went that way."

    After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt And said, "I can’t thank you enough Sister, but you see I don’t want to go to Iraq."

    The nun said she could fully understand the fear.

    The soldier added, "I hope you don’t think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I’ve ever seen. The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you’ve ever seen! I don’t want to go to Iraq either."

  • Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton

    Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.

    Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

    St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

    St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

    St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".

    Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own creations, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in and I don’t?!"

    "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."