The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: plenty

  • Really?

    Dear Noah,

    We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.

    Sincerely, Unicorns

     

    Dear Twilight fans,

    Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

    Enjoy fantasizing about that.

    Sincerely, Logic

     

    Dear Icebergs,

    Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.

    Sincerely, The Titanic

     

    Dear J.K. Rowling,

    Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

    Sincerely, Anonymous

     

    Dear America,

    You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

    Sincerely, Canada

     

    Dear Boyfriend,

    I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

    Sincerely, Spiders

     

    Dear Voldemort,

    So they screwed up your nose too?

    Sincerely, Michael Jackson

     

    Dear Yahoo,

    I’ve never heard anyone say, "I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…" just saying…

    Sincerely, Google

     

    Dear girls who have been dumped,

    There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.

    Sincerely, BP

     

    Dear 2010,

    So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

    Sincerely, 1985

     

    Dear Justin Bieber,

    Ariel would really love her voice back.

    Sincerely, King Triton

     

    Dear Rose,

    There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

    Sincerely, Jack

     

    Dear Windshield Wipers,

    Can’t touch this.

    Sincerely, That Little Triangle

     

    Dear Taylor Swift,

    If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.

    Sincerely, Shakespeare

     

    Dear Soccer Fans,

    B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z

     Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

    Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

     

    Dear Saturn,

    I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

    Sincerely, God

     

    Dear Rubik’s Cube,

    Done!

    Sincerely, Colorblind

     

    Dear Santa,

    Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho’s.

    Sincerely, Tiger Woods

     

    Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

    I. Can’t. Breathe.

    Sincerely, Your Balls

     

    Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

    I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream… What now?

    Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

     

    Dear Sleeping Beauty,

    I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.

    All you had to do was wake up.

    Sincerely, Mulan

     

    Dear Romeo,

    My death isn’t the only thing I’ve been faking…

    Sincerely, Juliet

     

    Dear Fox News,

    So far, no news about foxes.

    Sincerely, Unimpressed

     

    Dear Sex Educators,

    Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

    Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

     

    Dear Toaster,

    Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

    Sincerely, Toast

     

    Dear Edward,

    I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.

    Sincerely, a stake

     

    Dear Prince Charming,

    You’ve got some explaining to do!

    Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

  • Your Husband’s Disease

    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

    He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.

    Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

    Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

    "You’re going to die," she replied.

  • Shipwrecked

    A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

    After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn’t even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity.

    One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way! He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I’m going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they’re going to give me some clothes and I’m going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She’ll start to take off her clothes and she’ll be wearing red silk panties!"

    At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker and yells, "Ha Ha!! I lied about the ship!!"

  • Dihydrogen Monoxide

    A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

    And for plenty of good reasons, since:

    1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
    2. it is a major component in acid rain
    3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
    4. accidental inhalation can kill you
    5. it contributes to erosion
    6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
    7. it has been found in tumours of terminal cancer patients

    He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

    Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

    The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

    He feels the conclusion is obvious.

  • The Father and Son Cannibals

    Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

    Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there’s one."

    "No," said the father. "There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait."

    Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he’s plenty big enough."

    "No," the father said. "We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait."

    About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her."

    "No," said the father. "We’ll not eat her either."

    "Why not?" asked the son.

    "Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

  • The Transatlantic Flight

    In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
    Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. " I’m too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can?"
    For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
    Then, a Greek man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
    The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
    "Iron this."

  • Phone Messages

    WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.

    Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk!)

    Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

    (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loudly and (BEEP)

    This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is "supercilious."

    Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

    I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

    I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

    Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? … BEEP

    (Rod Sterling imitation:) You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead – this is no ordinary telephone answering device…You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

    Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

    This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

    I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, eh. This is so confusing.

    The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

    You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

    (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

    Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

    Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

    Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.