Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What’s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the fuck’s that on the balcony with Dave?"
Tag: Poland
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Dave Knows Everyone
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The Polish Blonde
A blonde goes into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don’t have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland." To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes…anything!" With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does!! He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go ahead… Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"
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The Cow
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles – or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "Rabbi, we’ve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."