The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: president

  • Really?

    Dear Noah,

    We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.

    Sincerely, Unicorns

     

    Dear Twilight fans,

    Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

    Enjoy fantasizing about that.

    Sincerely, Logic

     

    Dear Icebergs,

    Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.

    Sincerely, The Titanic

     

    Dear J.K. Rowling,

    Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

    Sincerely, Anonymous

     

    Dear America,

    You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

    Sincerely, Canada

     

    Dear Boyfriend,

    I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

    Sincerely, Spiders

     

    Dear Voldemort,

    So they screwed up your nose too?

    Sincerely, Michael Jackson

     

    Dear Yahoo,

    I’ve never heard anyone say, "I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…" just saying…

    Sincerely, Google

     

    Dear girls who have been dumped,

    There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.

    Sincerely, BP

     

    Dear 2010,

    So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

    Sincerely, 1985

     

    Dear Justin Bieber,

    Ariel would really love her voice back.

    Sincerely, King Triton

     

    Dear Rose,

    There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

    Sincerely, Jack

     

    Dear Windshield Wipers,

    Can’t touch this.

    Sincerely, That Little Triangle

     

    Dear Taylor Swift,

    If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.

    Sincerely, Shakespeare

     

    Dear Soccer Fans,

    B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z

     Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

    Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

     

    Dear Saturn,

    I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

    Sincerely, God

     

    Dear Rubik’s Cube,

    Done!

    Sincerely, Colorblind

     

    Dear Santa,

    Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho’s.

    Sincerely, Tiger Woods

     

    Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

    I. Can’t. Breathe.

    Sincerely, Your Balls

     

    Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

    I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream… What now?

    Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

     

    Dear Sleeping Beauty,

    I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.

    All you had to do was wake up.

    Sincerely, Mulan

     

    Dear Romeo,

    My death isn’t the only thing I’ve been faking…

    Sincerely, Juliet

     

    Dear Fox News,

    So far, no news about foxes.

    Sincerely, Unimpressed

     

    Dear Sex Educators,

    Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

    Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

     

    Dear Toaster,

    Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

    Sincerely, Toast

     

    Dear Edward,

    I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.

    Sincerely, a stake

     

    Dear Prince Charming,

    You’ve got some explaining to do!

    Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

  • Microsoft and the Catholic Church

    VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

    With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company’s new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

    "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

    Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company’s new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.

    "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

    An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter’s Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

    Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff’s smile seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican’s prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors’ access to these key intellectual properties.

    "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea– we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

    But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church’s market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church’s mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT’s vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

    Gates described MICROSOFT’s long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

    The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

  • Modern Day Moses

    Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

    President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"

    The man didn’t answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

    The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

    The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

    The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"

    The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

    "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

    The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered," You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

    The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses…but the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

  • George Bush and the Queen

    George Bush is visiting the Queen Elizabeth of England.

    He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

    "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

    Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

    The Queen takes a sip of tea. Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.

    The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

    Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty…"

    The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

    Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

    "Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

    Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

    Dick, answer this for me.

    "Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?"

    "I’m not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

    Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.

    Finally, he ends up in the men’s room and recognizes Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall.

    Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Colin Powell yells back, "That’s easy. It’s me!"

    Dick Cheney smiles. Thanks!"

    Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

    Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Colin Powell."

    Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you moron! It’s Tony Blair!"

  • 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army

    Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn’t allowed to do. He collected those things into a hilarious list and posted them to the web.

    1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.
    2. My proper military title is ‘Specialist Schwarz’ not ‘Princess Anastasia’.
    3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
    4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
    5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
    6. Not allowed to play ‘Pulp Fiction’ with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
    7. Not allowed to add ‘In accordance with the prophesy’ to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
    8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.
    9. Not allowed to title any product ‘Get Over it’.
    10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on Government time.
    11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
    12. Not allowed to join any militia.
    13. Not allowed to form any militia.
    14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
    15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to ‘Sic Brass!’
    16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my ‘Sampson like powers’.
    17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
    18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous ‘Barbie Girl Dance’ while on duty.
    19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.
    20. Must not taunt the French any more.
    21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
    22. Must never call an SAS a ‘Wanker’.
    23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.
    24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.
    25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
    26. Never tell a German soldier that ‘We kicked your ass in World War 2!’
    27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
    28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
    29. The Irish MPs are not after ‘Me frosted lucky charms’.
    30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
    31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
    32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
    33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
    34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
    35. Not allowed to sing ‘High Speed Dirt’ by Megadeth during airborne operations. (‘See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker’)
    36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).
    37. Our medic is called ‘Sgt Larwasa’, not ‘Dr. Feelgood’.
    38. Our supply Sgt is ‘Sgt Watkins’ not ‘Sugar Daddy’.
    39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
    40. I do not have super-powers.
    41. ‘Keep on Trucking’ is *not* a psychological warfare message.
    42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.
    43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
    44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
    45. I am not allowed to ‘Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies’.
    46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
    47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
    48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
    49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for ‘magic beans’.
    50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
    51. Not allowed to quote ‘Dr Seuss’ on military operations.
    52. Not allowed to yell ‘Take that Cobra’ at the rifle range.
    53. Not allowed to quote ‘Full Metal Jacket ‘ at the rifle range.
    54. ‘Napalm sticks to kids’ is *not* a motivational phrase.
    55. An order to ‘Put Kiwi on my boots’ does *not* involve fruit.
    56. An order to ‘Make my Boots black and shiny’ does not involve electrical tape.
    57. The proper response to a lawful order is not ‘Why?’
    58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
    59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
    60. ‘The Giant Space Ants’ are not at the top of my chain of command.
    61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean ‘I have been promoted three more times than you’.
    62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
    63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
    64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
    65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
    66. There is no ‘Anti-Mime’ campaign in Bosnia.
    67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
    68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers’.
    69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
    70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
    71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
    72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
    73. No military functions are to be performed ‘Skyclad’.
    74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
    75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
    76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
    77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
    78. I may not call block my chain of command.
    79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
    80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
    81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
    82. May not form any press gangs.
    83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about…."
    84. Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish’ things.
    85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
    86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the ‘field of honor’.
    87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
    88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as ‘Mom’.
    89. Must not refer to the Commander as ‘Dad’.
    90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
    91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
    92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo’ is probably not appropriate.
    93. Nerve gas is not funny.
    94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
    95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
    96. ‘Redneck Zombies’ is not a military training aid.
    97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
    98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.’
    99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
    100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
    101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
    102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
    103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
    104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
    105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
    106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
    107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
    108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
    109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
    110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
    111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
    112. When saluting a ‘leg’ officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh…sorry sir".
    113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from ‘Full Monty’ every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
    114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
    115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
    116. Crucifying mice – bad idea.
    117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
    118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
    119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
    120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
    121. I should not use government resources to ‘waterproof’ dirty magazines.
    122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
    123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
    124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
    125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
    126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
    127. ‘No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages’ does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.
    128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
    129. The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders.
    130. ‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
    131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
    132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
    133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
    134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
    135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
    136. Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!’ while out on a mission is bad.
    137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
    138. Even if my commander did it.
    139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
    140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
    141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’.
    142. ‘Calvin-Ball’ is not authorized PT.
    143. I do not need to keep a ‘range card’ by my window.
    144. ‘K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free’ is not an authorized uniform.
    145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
    146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
    147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
    148. Putting red ‘Mike and Ike’s’ ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
    149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
    150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
    151. The proper way to report to my Commander is ‘Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir’ not ‘You can’t prove a thing!’
    152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
    153. I should not assign new privates to ‘guard the flight line’.
    154. Shouldn’t treat ‘piss-bottles’ with extra-strength icy hot.
    155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
    156. I will no longer perform ‘lap-dances’ while in uniform.
    157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
    158. The revolution is not now.
    159. When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.
    160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
    161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
    162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
    163. Take that hat off.
    164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
    165. I do not get ‘that time of month’.
    166. No, the pants are not optional.
    167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
    168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
    169. Not even if they *are* ‘especially patriotic films’
    170. Not allowed to ‘defect’ to OPFOR during training missions.
    171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General’s helicopter.
    172. ‘A full magazine and some privacy’ is not the way to help a potential suicide.
    173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
    174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).
    175. We do not ‘charge into battle, naked, like the Celts’.
    176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
    177. I am not to refer to a formation as ‘the boxy rectangle thingie’.
    178. I am not ‘A lesbian trapped in a man’s body’.
    179. On Army documents, my race is not ‘Other’.
    180. Nor is it ‘Secretariat, in the third’.
    181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
    182. There is no FM for ‘wall-to-wall counseling’.
    183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
    184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something ‘I saw in a cartoon’.
    185. My name is not a killing word.
    186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
    187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
    188. May not challenge officers to ‘Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn’.
    189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
    190. Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.
    191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
    192. The proper response to a briefing is not ‘That’s what you think’.
    193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
    194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
    195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
    196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
    197. I am not allowed to sing ‘Henry the VIII I am’ until verse 68 ever again.
    198. Not allowed to lead a ‘Coup’ during training missions.
    199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
    200. My chain of command is not interested in why I ‘just happen’ to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
    201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
    202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
    203. ‘To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
    204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
    205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
    206. Not allowed to get shot.
    207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
    208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
    209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism…this was the same dinner.)
    210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
    211. Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
    212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
    213. Do not convince NCO’s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

  • Saddam’s Coded Message

    After hearing numerous news reports saying "We don’t even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

    370HSSV-0773H.

    Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Powell and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service. Eventually they asked MI6 for help. They cabled the White House:


    "Tell the president he is looking at the message upside down…"

  • The Woman at Chase Manhattan

    An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the teller’s window that she wished to deposit the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately $3,000,000, telephoned the bank president’s secretary for an appointment for the lady. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million. "I bet," she offered. "As in horses?". "No," she replied, "as in people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I’ll bet you 25,000 that by 10 o’clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn’t know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious–he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was OK There was no change in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10 o’clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved in her betting. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don’t know how to tell you this," he said, "but I’m the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer." The old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What’s wrong with him?" She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by 10am today I’d have the Chase Manhattan Bank’s president’s balls in my hand."

  • Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy

    Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here’s the kicker… A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

  • President Clinton

    Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

    Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

    It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom.

    He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees.

    As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "hold my calls and sack my cook".

    And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.