The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: promise

  • God Creating Women

    While creating women, God made a promise to men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.


    And then He smiled and made the earth round.

  • New Year’s Resolutions you can Keep

    Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

    1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

    2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

    3. Read less.

    4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

    5. Procrastinate more.

    6. Drink. Drink some more.

    7. Take up a new habit: smoking.

    8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.

    9. Spend more time at work.

    10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.

    11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

    12. Quit giving money & time to charity.

    14. Start being superstitious.

    15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

    16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

    17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.

    18. Personal goal: bring back disco.

  • A Very Pretty Young Speech Therapist

    A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said ‘If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?’

    The Englishman piped up. ‘B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham’, he said.

    ‘That’s no use, Trevor’ said the speech therapist, ‘Who’s next ?’

    The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out ‘P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley’.

    ‘That’s no better. There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish.

    How about you, Paddy?’ The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ‘London’.

    ‘Brilliant, Paddy’ said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

    After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said ‘-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry’

  • The Wise Old Gentleman

    A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

    The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

    The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

    After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

    The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

    "Look," he said, "I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

    "A freakin’ quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

  • The Newlyweds

    A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

    So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I’ll be right back."

    "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

    "I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer."

    The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…"

    He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

    She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?"

    "You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

    "But my sweet honey… at the bar… you know… there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…"

    "You want dirty words, cutie pie?…

    "LISTEN UP , DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

    and, they lived happily ever after. Isn’t that a sweet story?

  • The Password

    Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.

    One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was ‘DOME’ and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password.

    She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did.

    After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.

    "Well, what does it mean?" I asked.

    She hesitated and then replied, "It’s two words."

    There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day."

  • A Virgin After Twelve Marriages

    A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
    This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:
    My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’
    My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
    My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
    My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, ‘Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.’
    My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
    My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
    My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job.
    My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
    My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.’
    My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
    My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
    My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was – God I miss him!
    So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed.

  • The Cuckoo Clock

    The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight… promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk and pissed as a tick, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

  • Chinese Torture

    A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost. It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?"

    The man says, "I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t had a decent meal or sleep in that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

    The old Chinese man says, "I’ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

    The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be on my way tomorrow morning"

    The old Chinese man counters, "OK, but if I do catch you then I’ll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

    "OK, OK," the man says as he enters the old house. Besides, he thinks to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man comes down to eat (after showering), he sees how beautiful the granddaughter is. She is an absolute pearl, and while he has only been lost three weeks, it has been many, many months without companionship. And the girl has only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both can’t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man sneaks into the girl’s bedroom and they have quite a time and keep the noise down to a minimum. The man creeps back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man wakes up to a heavy weight on his chest. He opens his eyes and there is this huge rock on his chest.

    On the rock is a sign saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your chest."

    "What a lame torture test," the man thinks to himself as he gets up and walks over to the window. He opens the shutter and throws the rock out.

    On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."

    The man, seeing the rock is too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock.

    Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

  • Men and Women

    HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

    Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savour, massage, make plans, fix, empathise, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalise, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorise, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalise, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicise, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturise, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinise, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolise and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

    HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

    Show up naked. Bring Beer.