The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Red Sea

  • The Bible According to Children

    The following 25 statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

    1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

    2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

    3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

    4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

    5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

    6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

    7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

    8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

    9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

    10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

    11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.

    12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

    13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

    14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

    15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

    16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

    17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

    18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

    19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. he also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

    20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

    21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

    22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

    23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

    24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

    25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

  • Microsoft and the Catholic Church

    VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

    With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company’s new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

    "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

    Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company’s new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.

    "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

    An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter’s Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

    Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff’s smile seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican’s prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors’ access to these key intellectual properties.

    "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea– we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

    But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church’s market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church’s mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT’s vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

    Gates described MICROSOFT’s long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

    The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.