The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: ride

  • Big-People Words

    A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
    You need to use ‘Big People’ words, she was always reminding them.

    She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
    ‘I went to visit my Nana’.
    No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
    Use ‘Big People’ words!’

    She then asked Mitchell what he had done
    ‘I took a ride on a choo-choo’.
    She said, ‘No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
    You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words’.

    She then asked little Alex what he had done?
    ‘I read a book’ he replied.
    That’s WONDERFUL!’ the teacher said.
    ‘What book did you read?’
    Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, ‘Winnie the SHIT’.

  • His Wife’s Birthday

    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his  wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

    ‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror .

    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite  candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

    He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being six again?’

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

    ‘I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!’

  • Holiday Inn

    Recently I was checking my Superannuation account and thinking about retirement, as everyone does when they hit 45. I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes and the expenses. Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!

    Here is my plan: I’m checking into the Holiday Inn.

    With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I’ll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer.
    I’ll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I’ll be treated like a customer, not a patient. Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.

    There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly
    somewhere. Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get
    into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

    Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family.
    They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

    When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV — all you need to enjoy a cosy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

    Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you’ll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you’re getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room — your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

    Being natural sceptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I’m happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!

    "So, when I reach the golden age I’ll face it with a grin. Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!"

  • Being Eight Again

    A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.

    "I’d love to be eight again," she replied.

    On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up and made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.

    What a day! He put her on every ride in the Park: the Death Slide, The Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every ride there was.

    Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

    Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

    Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a happy meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M’s.

    What a fabulous adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

    He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

  • Grandma and Grandpa

    A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

    "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

    They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked centre, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

    They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

    At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

    My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked centre and call it pot luck.

    My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."

  • Condom Sponsors

    Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

    •  Nike Condoms: Just do it
    •  Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
    •  Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
    •  Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
    •  Optus Condoms: Yes!
    •  KFC Condoms: Finger lickin’ good
    •  M&Ms Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
    •  Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going…..
    •  Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can’t stop
    •  Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the spirit
    •  Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
    •  Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum (available in Tasmania only)
    •  Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
    •  VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I’ve got one now
    •  Swan Lager Condoms: They said you’d never make it…..
    •  Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek – (target gay market)
    •  Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
    •  Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together
    •  Quicken Condoms: Quicken. Easy.
    •  McDonald’s Condoms: Things that make you go hmm………

    The following brands would probably not sell very well…

    •  Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider
    •  AFL Condoms: I’d like to see that
    •  Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year…
    •  Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you
    •  TAC Condoms: Speed kills
    •  Nobby’s Condoms: Nibble Nobby’s Nuts
    •  Bolle Condoms: Put ’em on your face
    •  Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm
    •  Aussie Home Loans Condoms: We’ll save you

  • Joe and the Blind Date

    Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed" she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and they won a prize.

    Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

    The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

    Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How’d it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy!"

  • The Difference Between Engineers and Accountants

    Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
    "Watch and you’ll see", answered an engineer.
    They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
    The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
    The conductor took it and moved on.
    The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all.
    "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
    "Watch and you’ll see", answered an engineer.
    When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

  • The Business Man and the Cab

    A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

  • World Domination

    World domination is everyone’s dream. It’s not a bad job really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Villain I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, I follow these guidelines while conquering the world: 

    1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones. 
    2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 
    3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 
    4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies. 
    5. The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. 
    6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them. 
    7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I’ll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say "No." 
    8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 
    9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. 
    10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. 
    11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 
    12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 
    13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. 
    14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 
    15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 
    16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know." 
    17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 
    18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. 
    19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father. 
    20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. 
    21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. 
    22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. 
    23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. 
    24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) 
    25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 
    26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber. 
    27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. 
    28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 
    29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion. 
    30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. 
    31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 
    32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. 
    33. I will never employ the use of a major weapon that takes time to charge up before firing and utterly destroying the rebel base. Instead I will use weapons that can do the same thing with a single push of a button. 
    34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. 
    35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. 
    36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. 
    37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant. 
    38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. 
    39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. 
    40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. 
    41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. 
    42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. 
    43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the hot rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let him in on my plans. 
    44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. 
    45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. 
    46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and shoot the advisor. 
    47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. 
    48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. 
    49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. 
    50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks. 
    51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the hot friend of the hero’s cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. 
    52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. 
    53. If the hot friends of the hero that I capture says "I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her. 
    54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. 
    55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. 
    56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. 
    57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual. 
    58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. 
    59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. 
    60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. 
    61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. 
    62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight. 
    63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. 
    64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. 
    65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment. 
    66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system. 
    67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. 
    68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again. 
    69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. 
    70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner. 
    71. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. 
    72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them. 
    73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. 
    74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. 
    75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. 
    76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) 
    77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. 
    78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical." 
    79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins. 
    80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. 
    81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. 
    82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. 
    83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. 
    84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. 
    85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." 
    86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. 
    87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. 
    88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. 
    89. After I capture the hero’s super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. 
    90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. 
    91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important. 
    92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) 
    93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. 
    94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. 
    95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell-mate tells the guard its an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look. 
    96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa. 
    97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled. 
    98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. 
    99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size. 
    100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.