The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Rome

  • The Hairdresser

    A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..

    She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.. You’re crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

    "We’re taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "Continental?" Exclaimed the hairdresser. " That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

    "We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste."

    "Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump."

    "We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

    "That’s rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old Steward who waited on me hand and foot.

    And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s’ suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," Muttered the hairdresser, "that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

    "Oh, Really! What’d he say?"

    He Said: "So who fucked up your hair?"

  • Two Nuns Riding

    Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .
    One leans over to the other and says, "I’ve never come this way before."
    The other Nun whispers, "It’s the cobblestones."

  • Two Beggars in Rome

    Two beggars are sitting near to each other on the main piazza in Rome. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

    Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and

    says: "My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country.

    People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a ‘Star of David’ in front of you, especially when you’re sitting nearby to a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they probably give to the Christian just out of spite." The beggar behind the ‘Star of David’ listened to the priest, then turned and called over to the beggar with the cross and said:

    "Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

  • Dopey

    The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope.

    Dopey leads the pack.

    "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

    Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

    The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

    In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

    Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

    The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

    This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

    Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

    The Pope answers, "I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

    The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

    "Dopey screwed a penguin!"

    "Dopey screwed a penguin!"

  • Dave Knows Everyone

    Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
    So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What’s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
    Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
    "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington." And off they go.
    At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
    "The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
    And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
    Working his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the fuck’s that on the balcony with Dave?"