The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: row

  • Stevie Wonder

    Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

    One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

    Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

    The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts – "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord…". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

    The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!".

    Stevie is really cheesed off now that this chap doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage – " OK smart ass, you get up here and do it"..

    The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…

    "a jazz chord to say , I ruv you…"

  • The Old Florida Couple

    A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

    The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

    The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

    The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

    Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

    The old man says, "We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare…!

  • Involuntary Muscular Contractions

    A Professor was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students.

    Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

    He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

    She replied, ‘Probably deer hunting with his buddies.’

    The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the lecture.

  • Female Crew

    As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

    Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

    Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

    When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

    Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

    My God," said Ed, "I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

    That’s another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit.

    Now it’s the box office!

  • The Twelve Monks

    Ask not for whom the bell tolls… IT TOLLS FOR THEE!

    Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the monks until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell…

    And then… all the other bells started to ring…

  • Archaeology in Jerusalem

    A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were: 

    1. A Woman 
    2. A Donkey 
    3. A Shovel 
    4. A Fish 
    5. A Star of David. 

    After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 

    1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 
    2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 
    3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 
    4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 
    5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. 

      A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said… I’m sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it really reads… Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman.

  • The Ventriloquist

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general… and all in the name of humour!"

    The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

  • The Cow and the Mermaid

    On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her – how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?"