The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: salesman

  • The Australian Salesman

    A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

    The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

    The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

    His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

    After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

    The Aussie said "One!"

    The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

    "£ 124,237.64. Pounds"

    The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?"

    "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

    Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

    The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me… a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4×4?"

    "No no no… he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said, ‘Well, since your weekend’s buggered, you might as well go fishing.’"

  • Little Jacques

    Little Jacques was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up – – Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

    Jacques was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

    Sometimes, if an offer’s really good he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Jacques aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

    "No," said Jacques, "He is a Liberal MP, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids!"

  • The Amazing Scotsman

    A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.

    A sign read: "Don’t Miss The Amazing Scotsman".

    The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

    There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.

    Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

    Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

    The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

    Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don’t Miss the Amazing Scotsman".

    He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!

    He bought a ticket.

    Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

    This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

    The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

    The crowd went wild!

    Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

    "You’re incredible!" he told the Scotsman."

    "But I have to know something."

    "You’re older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

    "Well, laddie," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be!!."

  • The Travelling Salesman

    A travelling salesman is going through the country when his car breaks down. He goes to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone.

    The farmer tells him, "We ain’t got a phone, but I’m headin’ into town tomorrow an’ you kin spend the night here. O’ course you’ll have to sleep in the same bed as my three sons, here."

    And the salesman says, "Wait a minute. I’m in the wrong joke."

  • A Sweatshirt or a Windbreaker?

    A girl says to a salesman, "I’m not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."

    He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

  • A Lady Walks in to a BMW Dealership

    A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

    As she turns, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

    Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

    He answers, "Madame, it would be prudent of me not to say. If you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

  • Three Salesmen

    Three salesmen are on the way home from a sales conference when their car suddenly packs in. They walk to the nearest roadside inn and decide there and then that they’ll all just stay there for the night.

    They walk up to the reception desk, and the first salesman says, "Three single rooms for the night, please."

    The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry sir, all that we have left is one king-size room with one king-size bed."

    "Okay," says the first salesman, "shall we all just share, in that case?"

    No-one else has any problem with that, so they all accept the room and go to bed, and, due to the tiring nature of that day’s conference, fall asleep straight away.

    The next morning they all wake up together.

    "Oh my God!" screams the first one. "I’m so fucking embarrassed…I dreamt i was being jerked off by this gorgeous woman, and I’ve actually come in the bed!"

    The third guy, over on the other side of the bed, pipes up too. "Me as well! I had that same dream, and I’ve gone all over the place too!" Turning to the guy in the middle, he looks at him and asks "What about you? Surely all 3 of us couldn’t have had the same dream?"

    "Oh no, " declares the guy in the middle. "I had a nice dream that I was skiing…"

  • The Headache

    Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
    After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
    When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
    He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, "That’s what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I’d like a new suit."
    The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let’s see… size 44 long."
    Joe laughed, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job."
    Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
    Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
    The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let’s see,… 34 sleeve and… 16 and a half neck."
    Joe was surprised, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job."
    Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
    Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
    The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, "Let’s see…9 and a half wide."
    Joe was astonished, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job." 
    Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
    Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"
    The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, "Let’s see. . . 7 5/8."
    Joe was incredulous, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job."
    The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
    Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
    The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, "Let’s see… size 36."
    Joe laughed, "No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
    The salesman shook his head and said, "You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"