The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: sand

  • On a Chain of Beautiful Deserted Islands…

    On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

    • Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
    • Two French men and one French woman.
    • Two German men and one German woman.
    • Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
    • Two British men and one British woman.
    • Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
    • Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
    • Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
    • Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
    • Two Canadian men and one Canadian woman.

    One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

    • One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
    • The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage à trois.
    • The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
    • The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
    • The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
    • The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
    • The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
    • The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
    • The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.
    • The two Canadian men are contemplating suicide, because the Canadian woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

  • The Monastry

    A man is driving down a country road in Ireland and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, show him to a room, and even fix his car.

    As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he’s ever heard before. It is the most beautiful sound he has ever heard in his life. He is instantly captivated and enchanted. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a hauntingly seductive sound.

    The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can’t tell you. You’re not a Monk."

    Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

    Years later, after never being able to forget that sound which continually echoes in his mind, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can’t tell you. You’re not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answer to these questions, you will have become a Monk."

    The man sets about his task.

    After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

    The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

    The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

    The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

    Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.

    The sound has now become very clear and definite.

    The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound…..

    But I cannot tell you what it is because you’re not a Monk.

  • The Confessional

    A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

    "What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks.

    "Well," the man starts, "I used the ‘F’-word today and I feel so terrible."

    "Why don’t you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.

    "Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."

    "I’m a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?"

    "No Father," said the man,

    "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

    "And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.

    "No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

    "And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

    "No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."

    "Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.

    "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.

    The priest sighed, "You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you!!

  • Two Mexicans

    There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they’re at death’s door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

    As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

    "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We’re saved!!!"

    "You’re right, amigo!" says Pepe.

    So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

    His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

    "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

    With his dying breath Pepe calls out… "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"

    "Ees… a…. Ham bush"

  • Two Blonde Genies

    A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. He feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods, and it’s the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

  • The Philosophy Lecture

    A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
    When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
    He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
    He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
    They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
    "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.
    The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.
    "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
    But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

    The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.

  • The Jamaican

    A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy. 

    After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack’s "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. 

    As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he’d bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. 

    "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy." 

    "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say ‘WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.’"

  • The Jewish Genie

    Better late than never… An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

    But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

    "I’m not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!"

    "What do you have to lose? It looks like you’re a goner anyway!"

    The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

    ***POOF***

    The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

    "OK, kid, what’s your second wish."

    "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

    ***POOF***

    The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

    "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

    After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."

    ***POOF***

    The Arab is turned into a tampon.

    The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there’s going to be a string attached.