The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Screw

  • Shipwrecked Lawyers

    The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

    One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You’re hallucinating, you’ve finally lost your mind."

    But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

    One said to the other, "You know, we’ve been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It’s been such a long, long time….So .. Do you think we should… well… You know… Screw her?"

    "Out of what?" asked the other lawyer.

  • A Man Watching TV

    A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s
    voice from the kitchen.

    "What would you like for dinner, love?  Chicken, beef or lamb?"

    He said, "I’d love chicken, thank you."

    She replied, "Screw you. You’re having soup.. I was talking to the cat."

  • Suzuki, the Son of a Japanese Businessman

    It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for young Suzuki; "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

    "Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’?"

    Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Suzuki.

    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

    "Who said that?" she demanded.

    Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

    At that point, a student in the back said, "I’m gonna puke."

    The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

    Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

    Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you."

    Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

    The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!"

    Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2001."

  • How Many Women with PMS Does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?

    One.

    ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

    Because no-one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb, that’s why.

    They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS! Before they figured it OUT!. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

    But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!!AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS……..

  • The Screw

    The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. 

    "Do you like to screw," he says. 

    "Huh" replied the surprised first date. 

    "My daughter she loves to screw and she’s good at it, you and her should go screw," carefully explained the father. 

    Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir." Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. 

    After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed "Dammit, Daddy, it’s the TWIST, get it straight!"

  • Cyber Sex

    Online computer users sometimes engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed via keyboards and shared through the Internet get pretty raunchy. This one, however, somehow misses the boat…

    Dave (surname withheld) – Wellhung

    Online Cyber Slut – Sweetheart

    Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

    Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

    Wellhung: I’m 6’3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.

    Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

    Wellhung: OK

    Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

    Wellhung: I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.

    Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

    Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

    Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

    Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

    Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

    Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

    Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.

    Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

    Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

    Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?

    Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

    Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

    Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

    Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!

    Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

    Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

    Sweetheart: What?

    Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.

    Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

    Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

    Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

    Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

    Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

    Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.

    Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

    Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

    Sweetheart: Are you OK?

    Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.

    Sweetheart: Can I help?

    Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

    Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

    Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.

    Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

    Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.

    Sweetheart: I’m on the bed arching for you.

    Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?

    Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

    Wellhung: I found it.

    Sweetheart: I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.

    Wellhung: Me too.

    Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

    Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

    Sweetheart: Why don’t you take off your glasses?

    Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

    Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

    Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

    Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

    Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

    Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

    Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!

    Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

    Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

    Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

    Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my…you know …thing…in your…you know…woman’s thing.

    Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

    Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.

    Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

    Wellhung: I’m flaccid.

    Sweetheart: What?

    Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

    Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

    Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.

    Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.

    Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

    Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.

    Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

    Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!

     

    Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

    Sweetheart: <logged off>