The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Sex

  • Really?

    Dear Noah,

    We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.

    Sincerely, Unicorns

     

    Dear Twilight fans,

    Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

    Enjoy fantasizing about that.

    Sincerely, Logic

     

    Dear Icebergs,

    Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.

    Sincerely, The Titanic

     

    Dear J.K. Rowling,

    Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

    Sincerely, Anonymous

     

    Dear America,

    You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

    Sincerely, Canada

     

    Dear Boyfriend,

    I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

    Sincerely, Spiders

     

    Dear Voldemort,

    So they screwed up your nose too?

    Sincerely, Michael Jackson

     

    Dear Yahoo,

    I’ve never heard anyone say, "I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…" just saying…

    Sincerely, Google

     

    Dear girls who have been dumped,

    There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.

    Sincerely, BP

     

    Dear 2010,

    So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

    Sincerely, 1985

     

    Dear Justin Bieber,

    Ariel would really love her voice back.

    Sincerely, King Triton

     

    Dear Rose,

    There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

    Sincerely, Jack

     

    Dear Windshield Wipers,

    Can’t touch this.

    Sincerely, That Little Triangle

     

    Dear Taylor Swift,

    If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.

    Sincerely, Shakespeare

     

    Dear Soccer Fans,

    B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z

     Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

    Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

     

    Dear Saturn,

    I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

    Sincerely, God

     

    Dear Rubik’s Cube,

    Done!

    Sincerely, Colorblind

     

    Dear Santa,

    Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho’s.

    Sincerely, Tiger Woods

     

    Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

    I. Can’t. Breathe.

    Sincerely, Your Balls

     

    Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

    I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream… What now?

    Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

     

    Dear Sleeping Beauty,

    I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.

    All you had to do was wake up.

    Sincerely, Mulan

     

    Dear Romeo,

    My death isn’t the only thing I’ve been faking…

    Sincerely, Juliet

     

    Dear Fox News,

    So far, no news about foxes.

    Sincerely, Unimpressed

     

    Dear Sex Educators,

    Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

    Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

     

    Dear Toaster,

    Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

    Sincerely, Toast

     

    Dear Edward,

    I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.

    Sincerely, a stake

     

    Dear Prince Charming,

    You’ve got some explaining to do!

    Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

  • A Jewish Wedding

    A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counselling.

    The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

    The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it’s tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we’d like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

    "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It’s immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

    "So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?"

    "No," answered the rabbi. "It’s forbidden."

    "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

    "Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!"

    "What about different positions?" asks the man

    "No problem," says the rabbi "It’s a mitzvah!"

    "Woman on top?" the man asks.

    "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It’s a mitzvah!"

    "Doggy style?"

    "Sure! Another mitzvah!"

    "On the kitchen table?"

    "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

    "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

    "You may indeed. It’s all a mitzvah!"

    "Can we do it standing up?"

    "No." says the rabbi."

    "Why not?" asks the man.

    "Could lead to dancing!"

  • “Sex” Frogs

    A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex" Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

    The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I’ll take one."

    The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do.

    1. Take a shower.
    2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
    3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
    4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down "there".

    She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.

    She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over."

    Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

    The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me closely frog, I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!

  • The Departing Rabbi

    There is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

    There is a hush.

    No one wants him to leave.

    Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the Rabbi stays, I’ll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!"

    The congregation sighs, and applauds.

    Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the Rabbi stays, I’ll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"

    More sighs and applause.

    Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the Rabbi stays, I’ll give him SEX!!"

    There is a hush. The Rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

    Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Fuck the Rabbi.’"

  • George and Oprah

    George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night.

    After the show, Oprah said, "George, if I’m not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place."

    So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

    She says okay. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. George says, "Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

    Oprah says, "Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you’re sleeping?" George replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a black woman, she stole my wallet."

  • Four Worms

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

    After one day:

    The first worm, in alcohol—dead.

    Second worm, in cigarette smoke—dead.

    Third worm, in sperm—dead.

    Fourth worm, in soil—alive.

    Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t get worms.

  • The Little Old Lady

    A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

    Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

    The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

    The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

    The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

    "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

  • A Beautiful Deserted Island

    On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

    2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

    2 French men and 1 French woman

    2 German men and 1 German woman

    2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

    2 English men and 1 English woman

    2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman

    2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

    2 American men and 1 American woman

    2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman

    2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman

    2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

    One month later, the following things have occurred:

    One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

    The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

    The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

    The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

    The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

    The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

    The two American men are contemplating the virtues suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.

    The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

    The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both ‘bloody wankers".

    Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

    The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

  • The Cow and the Mermaid

    On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her – how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?"

  • The Transatlantic Flight

    In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
    Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. " I’m too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can?"
    For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
    Then, a Greek man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
    The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
    "Iron this."