The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: shop

  • The Jamaican Sandal Shop

    A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shop keeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You! Vacationers! Come in! Come into my humble shop!"

    So they walked in.

    The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sexgod he was.

    The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make me any better than I am?

    "The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

    Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

    As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes.
    Something his wife hadn’t seen in many years!

    In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.

    The Jamaican then began screaming, "DE WRONG FEET! DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

  • The Priest, the Preacher and the Rabbi

    A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

    One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

    One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

    Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

    Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God’s Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

    They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don’t even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."

  • How to Give a Cat a Pill

    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
    9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
    10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
    12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
    13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
    14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table.
    15. Arrange for RSPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any goldfish

  • The Little Old Lady

    A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

    Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

    The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

    The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

    The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

    "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

  • The Headache

    Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
    After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
    When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
    He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, "That’s what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I’d like a new suit."
    The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let’s see… size 44 long."
    Joe laughed, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job."
    Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
    Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
    The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let’s see,… 34 sleeve and… 16 and a half neck."
    Joe was surprised, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job."
    Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
    Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
    The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, "Let’s see…9 and a half wide."
    Joe was astonished, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job." 
    Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
    Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"
    The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, "Let’s see. . . 7 5/8."
    Joe was incredulous, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job."
    The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
    Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
    The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, "Let’s see… size 36."
    Joe laughed, "No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
    The salesman shook his head and said, "You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

  • Half a Lettuce

    A man came into a shop and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back shop and said, "There is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce."

    As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

    The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

    Later the manager called the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.

    Where are you from son?"

    The boy replied, "New Zealand sir."

    "You’re joking! Why did you leave New Zealand?" asked the manager.

    The boy replied, "They’re all just whores and rugby players over there."

    My wife’s from New Zealand!!"

    The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

  • Phone Messages

    WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.

    Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk!)

    Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

    (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loudly and (BEEP)

    This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is "supercilious."

    Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

    I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

    I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

    Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? … BEEP

    (Rod Sterling imitation:) You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead – this is no ordinary telephone answering device…You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

    Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

    This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

    I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, eh. This is so confusing.

    The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

    You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

    (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

    Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

    Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

    Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

  • The Flowers

    A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh shit! My boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason."

    The blonde looks at her and says, "What’s the big deal? Don’t you like getting flowers?"

    The brunette says, "Oh sure… but I just don’t feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air."

    The blonde says, "Why? Don’t you have a vase?"