The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Show

  • George and Oprah

    George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night.

    After the show, Oprah said, "George, if I’m not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place."

    So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

    She says okay. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. George says, "Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

    Oprah says, "Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you’re sleeping?" George replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a black woman, she stole my wallet."

  • The Ventriloquist

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general… and all in the name of humour!"

    The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

  • Show and Tell

    The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something. 
    The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring? 
    "I brought a Walkman."
    "And what is it for?"
    "You can listen to music with it!"
    "That’s nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
    "I brought a ‘lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
    "Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn’t bring anything!"
    "Yes, I did. It’s in the hall."
    So the entire class goes into the hallway. 
    "Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
    "It’s a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
    "Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
    "He said, ‘AAAARRRGGGH!!!’

  • Men and Women

    HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

    Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savour, massage, make plans, fix, empathise, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalise, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorise, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalise, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicise, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturise, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinise, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolise and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

    HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

    Show up naked. Bring Beer.

  • The Two Nuns

    Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

    "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

    "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

    Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

    "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

    Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

    "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

    "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

    So Sister Marilyn opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"