The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: So God

  • God and Adam

    God said to Adam, ‘I want you to do something for me.’

    Adam said, ‘Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?’

    God said, ‘Go down Into that valley.’

    Adam said, ‘What’s a valley?’

    God explained it to Him.  Then God said, ‘Cross the river.’

    Adam said, ‘What’s a river?’

    God explained that To him, and then said, ‘Go over to the hill….’

    Adam said, ‘What is a hill?’

    So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

    He told Adam, ‘On The other side of the hill you will find a cave.’

    Adam said, ‘What’s a cave?’

    After God explained, He said, ‘In the cave you will find a woman.’ 

    Adam said, ‘What’s a woman?’

    So God explained that to him, too.

    Then, God said, ‘I Want you to reproduce.’

    Adam said, ‘How do I do that?’

    God first said (under His breath), ‘Geez…’, and then, just like everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

    So, Adam goes down Into the valley, crosses the river, goes over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

    Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

    God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, ‘What is it now?’

    And Adam said…

    ‘What’s a headache???’

  • In the Beginning

    In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

    Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, ‘You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, ‘Yes!’ And Woman said, ‘I’ll have one too with chocolate chips’. And so they gained 10 pounds.

    And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

    And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

    So God said, ‘Try my fresh green salad’. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

    God then said ‘I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them’.

    And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

    Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

    Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

    And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

    Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

    And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said ‘You want fries with that?’ and Man replied, ‘Yes, and super size ’em’. And Satan said, ‘It is good.’ And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

    God sighed ……… and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

    And then ………… Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

  • God and Adam

    God said, "Go down into that valley."
    And Adam said, "What’s a valley?"
    And God explained it to him.
    Then God said, "Cross the river."
    And Adam said, "What’s a river?"
    And God explained it to him.
    And then God said, "Go over the hill."
    And Adam said, "What’s a hill?"
    And God explained it to him.
    Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave."
    And Adam said, "What’s a cave?"
    And God explained that to him.
    "In the cave you will find a woman. Her name is Eve."
    And Adam said, "What’s a woman?"
    So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
    And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
    So God explained it to him.
    So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and after about five minutes he went back.
    God said angrily, "What is it now?"
    And Adam said, "What’s a headache?"