The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Son

  • Father and Young Son

    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

    He gives the young boy three penny coins to play with to keep him occupied.

    Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

    The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

    The boy coughs up 2 of the penny coins but is still choking.

    Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

    At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly… tighter and tighter !!!

    After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

    "No", the woman replied. "I’m with the Tax Department."

  • The Old Prospector

    An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
     
    The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.  As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
     
    The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance… never really wanted to."

    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,  "Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man’s feet.
     
    The old prospector –not wanting to get a toe blown off– started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

    When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
     
    The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
     
    The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

    The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
     
    The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.
     
    The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. 

    The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule’s ass?"

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir….. but… I’ve always wanted to."
     
    There are a few lessons for us all here:

    • Never be arrogant.
    • Don’t waste ammunition.
    • Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
    • Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
    • Don’t mess with old men! They didn’t get old by being stupid.

  • Toxic Fart

    I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re definitely going to shit yourself’ road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

     Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as ‘thunder and lightning’.

     Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck.  Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

     Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

     There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.  Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

     I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.  I could’ve warned that poor clerk, but didn’t. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. …….BIG mistake!!!!!

     Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.  Suddenly things were no longer funny. ‘It’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand explosion took place.

     Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left.

     Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’

     My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

     Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Rona. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

  • Catholic Maths

    Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything… tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

    His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

    Finally , little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an ‘A’ in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’ Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. ‘Well, then,’ she asked, ‘Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? ‘WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?’

    Little Zachary looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.’

  • Dr. Epstein

    Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan , where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

    Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

    The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.

    He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

    Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

    The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

    Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn’t. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

    Why haven’t you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

    Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I’ve been too ashamed to return."

    The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don’t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even remembered by others. I bet that’s true of your incident too."

    Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that’s the case with my incident."

    "Was it a long time ago?"

    "Yes, many years."

    The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

  • Little Matt and the Bike

    For his birthday, Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
    His father said, "Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $300,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it."

    The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase.
    So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

    Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. Well, I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $300,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!"

  • A Man, His Son and their Dog

    A man, his son, and their dog walk into a bar.

    "Ow!"

    "Ow!"

    "Woof!"

  • Father and Son Hunting

    A father and son went hunting together For the first time.

    The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET I’ll be across the field."

    A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.

    "What’s wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

    The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’…………..Well, I guess I JUST ……. PANICKED!"

  • The Father and Son Cannibals

    Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

    Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there’s one."

    "No," said the father. "There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait."

    Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he’s plenty big enough."

    "No," the father said. "We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait."

    About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her."

    "No," said the father. "We’ll not eat her either."

    "Why not?" asked the son.

    "Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

  • Suzuki, the Son of a Japanese Businessman

    It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for young Suzuki; "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

    "Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’?"

    Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Suzuki.

    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

    "Who said that?" she demanded.

    Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

    At that point, a student in the back said, "I’m gonna puke."

    The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

    Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

    Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you."

    Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

    The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!"

    Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2001."