The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: speed

  • Yogi Bera at St Louis

    "It is wonderful to be here in St. Louis and to visit the old neighborhood. I haven’t been back since the last time I was here. Everything looks the same, only different. Of course, things in the past are never as they used to be.

    "Before I speak, I have something I’d like to say. As you may know, I never went to college, or high school for that matter. To be honest, I’m not much of a public speaker, so I will try to keep this short as long as I can.

    "As I look out upon all of the young people here tonight, there are a number of words of wisdom I might depart. But I think the most irrelevant piece of advice I can pass along is this:

    "The most important things in life are the things that are least important.

    "I could have gone a number of directions in my life. Growing up on the Hill, I could have opened a restaurant or a bakery. But the more time I spent in places like that, the less time I wanted to spend there. I knew that if I wanted to play baseball, I was going to have to play baseball. My childhood friend, Joe Garagiola, also became a big-league ballpayer, as did my son, Dale. I think you’ll find the similarities in our careers are quite different.

    "You’re probably wondering, how does a kid from the Hill become a New York Yankee and get in the Hall of Fame? Well, let me tell you something, if it was easy nobody would do it. Nothing is impossible until you make it possible.

    "Of course, times were different. To be honest, I was born at an early age. Things are much more confiscated now. It seems like a nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. But let me tell you, if the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be. Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

    "You’ll make some wrong mistakes along the way, but only the wrong survive. Never put off until tomorrow what you can’t do today. Denial isn’t just a river in Europe.

    "Strive for success and remember you won’t get what you want unless you want what you get. Some will choose a different path. If they don’t want to come along, you can’t stop them. Remember, none are so kind as those who will not see.

    "Keep the faith and follow the Commandments: Do not covet thy neighbor’s wife, unless she has nothing else to wear. Treat others before you treat yourself. As Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt once said, ‘The only thing you have to fear is beer itself.’

    "Hold on to your integrity, ladies and gentlemen. It’s the one thing you really need to have; if you don’t have it, that’s why you need it. Work hard to reach your goals, and if you can’t reach them, use a ladder. There may come a day when you get hurt and have to miss work. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt to miss work.

    "Over the years, I have realized that baseball is really just a menopause for life. We all have limitations, but we also know limitation is the greatest form of flattery. Beauty is in the eyes of Jim Holder.

    "Half the lies you hear won’t be true, and half the things you say, you won’t ever say.

    "As parents you’ll want to give your children all the things you didn’t have. But don’t buy them an encyclopedia, make them walk to school like you did. Teach them to have respect for others, especially the police. They are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve it.

    "Throughout my career, I found good things always came in pairs of three. There will be times when you are an overwhelming underdog. Give 100 percent to everything you do, and when that’s not enough, give everything you have left. ‘Winning isn’t everything, but it’s better than rheumatism.’ I think Guy Lombardo said that.

    "Finally, dear graduates and friends, cherish this moment; it is a memory you will never forget. You have your entire future ahead of you.

    "Good luck and Bob’s speed."

    May 19, 2007: St. Louis native Yogi Berra addresses the crowd on hand for the Saint Louis University graduation.

  • “I Want a Divorce”

    A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

    The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

    The husband speaks again. "I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are."

    Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph. He pushes his luck.

    "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.

    "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

    "And," he says, "I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

    The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn’t there anything you want?" The wife at last replies – in a quiet and controlled voice.

    "No, I’ve got everything I need." she says.

    "Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"

    Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. …..

    "The airbag."

  • Rugby World Cup Pre-Match Rituals

    Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the ‘Haka’ before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.

    The IRB Rugby World Cup 2006 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

    1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it’s not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.
    2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin’ at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents’ heads.
    3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
    4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.
    5. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves. One member of the SA team will have moved to NZ/Oz/US/Can/UK (you choose), while a second one will be checking his door locks and "gat". The rest of the team will have torn the wiggly tin from the roof stadium and built a hut with it. A few, just a few will be eyeing up the tourists with a view to wealth redistribution.
    6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood! will make a film called ‘Saving No.8 Lyle’.
    7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
    8. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
    9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.
    10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
    11. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose ! in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.
    12. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush."
    13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

     

  • Lord Nelson

    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

    Nelson: "Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?"

    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

    Nelson (reading aloud): "’England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’ – What gobbledegook is this?"

    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking."

    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it ……….. full speed ahead."

    Hardy: "I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please."

    Hardy: "That won’t be possible, sir."

    Nelson: "What?"

    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

    Nelson: "Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy."

    Hardy: "He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral."

    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd."

    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

    Nelson: "Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?"

    Nelson: "I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell The men to stand by to engage the enemy."

    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

    Hardy: "It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we’re not."

    Nelson: "We’re not?"

    Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

    Hardy: "I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report."

    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life"

    Nelson: "Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment."

    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

    Nelson: "In that case… kiss me, Hardy."

  • Everything You Wanted to Know About Flatulence But Were Afraid to Ask

    What makes flatulence stink?

    The odour of flatulence comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulphide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulphur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add to the stench of flatulence. The more sulphur-rich your diet, the more sulphides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your flatulence will stink.

    Foods such as cauliflower and eggs are notorious for producing smelly flatulence, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky flatulence. ( Editor : what about turkey? ).

    Why are stinky flatulence generally warmer and quieter than regular flatulence?

    Most flatulence gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odourless, although they often pick up other (and more odiferous) components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in fairly large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous flatulence, but they are commonly (but not always!) mundane with respect to odour, and don’t feel particularly warm.

    Another major source of flatulence gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a by-product as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.

    How much gas does a normal person pass per day?

    On average, a person produces about half a litre of flatulence gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily flatulence. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical flatulence count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your flatulence. You might make a note of the potency of their odour as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you flatulate, and how much they smell.

    How long does it take flatulence gas to travel to someone else’s nose?

    Flatulence travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the flatulence particles, and the distance between the flatulence transmitter and the flatulence receiver.

    Flatulences also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the flatulence is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the flatulence is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the flatulence may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

    Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between flatulences and the time it starts to smell?

    Actually, the flatulence stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odour to travel to the farter’s nostrils. If flatulence could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly, at the same time we hear them.

    Is it true that some people never flatulate?

    No, not if they’re alive. People even flatulate shortly after death.

    Do even movie stars flatulate?

    Yes most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of flatulence gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men flatulate more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per flatulation than men do.

    Do men’s flatulence smell worse than women’s flatulence?

    Based on what I have experienced of women’s flatulence, all I can say is that I hope not..

    At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to flatulate?

    A gentleman is mostly likely to flatulate first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

    Why are beans so notorious for making people flatulate?

    Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious flatulence-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, ( editor : TURKEY!!!! ) and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog’s digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog’s bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.

    What things other than diet can make a person flatulate more than usual?

    People who swallow a lot of air flatulate more than people who don’t. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will flatulate more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low- pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.

    Is a flatulation really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?

    No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a flatulation. Flatulations have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.

    Is it harmful to hold in Flatulations?

    There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing flatulating at banquets out of concern for people’s health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining flatulence. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in flatulence. Flatulence will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distension of the bowel could result if a person holds in flatulence too much.

    How long would it be possible to not Flatulate?

    As I understand it, a captive flatulence can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from flatulating during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans-Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do flatulate voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from flatulence as long as you can stay awake!

    Do all people flatulate in their sleep?

    I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don’t think all people flatulate in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to flatulate when they’re awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.

    Where do Flatulations go when you hold them in?

    How often have you held in a flatulation, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the flatulence has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the flatulence goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the flatulence is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such flatulence aren’t really lost, just delayed.

    How can one cover up a flatulation?

    There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odour of flatulence. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound… if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the flatulence. If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a flatulence. CJT addresses the problem of flatulating loudly in a public restroom as follows: "My solution: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your rear and it will muffle the flatulence; my friends and I call it the ‘Buff Muff’!" Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the flatulence as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.

    Is it really possible to ignite flatulations?

    The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their flatulence got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you want to try it, and you don’t have a friend to light your flatulence for you. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.

    Why is possible to burn flatulence?

    Flatulations burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Flatulations tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.

  • Your 5 Corporate Lessons for Today

    Lesson 1: Share critical information pertaining to Credit and Risk

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in a timely fashion with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    Corporate Lesson 2: Always be well informed

    A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek. Further on, you will find glory." Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

    Corporate Lesson 3: Respect leadership hierarchy wisely

    A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speed boat, without a care in the world.." Poof! She’s gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He’s gone. "OK, you’re up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

    Corporate Lesson 4: Know your position in the corporate structure

    A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

    Corporate Lesson 5: Advancement Strategies

    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy. "Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They’re packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there

  • The Lincoln Navigator

    This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:

    A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

    In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

    So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don’t want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

    They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let’s talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

    You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on.

    Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

    The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. —-BOOM!—- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can’t believe this happened" look on their faces.

    The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments! And you thought your day was not going well?

  • Circle Flies

    A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said – "Well yeah, if that’s what they are, I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey— wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The Trooper says, " Well, that’s a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

  • The Petting Zoo

    A family was travelling on vacation when they came across a petting zoo. The children asked if they could stop, and the parents said okay. 

    At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time. While driving to their next vacation stop the father noticed the kids playing with something. He asked, "What have you kids got back there?" 

    The children then produced a very cute baby skunk. The father was horrified because he realized that they had taken this skunk from the zoo. To teach his kids a lesson he told them that if they got caught they could go to jail for this. While he was reprimanding his children he hadn’t noticed that he was speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car came after him he thought that they must have found out about the skunk and that was why they were stopping him. He told the kids to keep quiet and give the skunk to their mother. He then told her to hide the skunk. 

    She said, "Where am I going to hide it?" 

    The father said to put it under her dress and hold it between her legs until the police left. 

    She said, "But it stinks!" 

    The father replied, "Well, can’t you just hold his little nose?"

  • The Impending Divorce

    A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he’s up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I’ve got everything I need." She asks, "What’s that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I’ve got the airbag!"