The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: station

  • Torture at Guantanamo Bay

    Today the CIA admitted it was responsible for the recent accusations of torture at Guantanamo Bay.

    Billy Bob Johnson, the chief station manager at the Guantanamo Bay prison said that the United States of America had to hold its hands up and admit that it had allowed its CIA operatives to feed the prisoners nothing but McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken meals whilst forcing them to listen to Christian Rock Music for up to 20 hour periods at a time without any break.

    The CIA apologised for the allegations and promised to review its policy of using fast food and Christian Rock Music as a method of torture.

  • From the Mouths of Children…

    1) NUDITY
    I was driving with my three young children one warm Summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!"

    2) OPINIONS
    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

    3) KETCHUP
    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
    "Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle."

    4) MORE NUDITY
    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?"

    5) POLICE # 1
    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
    "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
    "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
    The police. Is that right?"
    "Yes, that’s right," I told her.
    "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

    6) POLICE # 2
    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What’d he do?"

    7) ELDERLY
    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

    8) DRESS-UP
    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit." "And why not, Darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

    9) DEATH
    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
    "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

    10) SCHOOL
    A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
    "I’m just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!"

    11) BIBLE
    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
    "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
    "What have you got there, dear?"
    With astonishment in a quiet young boy’s voice, he answered, "I think it’s Adam’s underwear."

  • What is a Paraprosdokian?

    A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

    • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
    • If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
    • We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
    • War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
    • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
    • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    • Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
    • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
    • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
    • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
    • Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
    • I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
    • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
    • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:", I put, "DOCTOR." 
    • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
    • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 
    • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
    • I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
    • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
    • There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
    • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
    • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
    • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
    • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
    • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
    • If you are supposed to learn from your mis

  • Two Aliens in the Arizona Desert

    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take  us to your leader.’

    The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

    The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you.’

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

    Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’

    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad’

    ‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

    ‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, it’s not to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear.’

  • Two Aliens

    Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

    "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

    The gas pump (of course) didn’t respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn’t do that if I were you."

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting

    Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."

    The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don’t want to do that. You really don’t want to make him mad!"

    "Rubbish," replied the younger alien.

    He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

    Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

    "What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.

    "If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy", said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a dick he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don’t mess with him."

  • The Fire Truck

    A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

    That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

    "Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

    "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar too, I think you could go faster."

    The little girl replies thoughtfully, " You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren."

  • Mate Match

    Chicago folks apparently did hear this on the WBBM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

    One particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with laughter. Anyway, here’s how it all went down:

    DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBBM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?

    Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.

    DJ: Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First name only please.

    Contestant: Brian.

    DJ: Brian, are you married or what?

    Brian: Yes.

    DJ: Yes? Does that mean you’re married or you’re what?

    Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

    DJ: Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.

    Brian: Sarah.

    DJ: Is Sarah at work, Brian?

    Brian: She is gonna kill me.

    DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?

    Brian: (laughing) Yes, she’s at work.

    DJ: Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?

    Brian: She is gonna kill me.

    DJ: Brian! Stay with me here!

    Brian: About 8 o’clock this morning.

    DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

    Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well…

    DJ: Question #2 – How long did it last?

    Brian: About 10 minutes

    DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.

    Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

    DJ: Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock this morning?

    Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well…

    DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?

    Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks…

    DJ: Uh huh…

    Brian: …and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.

    DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

    Brian: On the kitchen table.

    DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this. 3 minutes of commercials follow)

    DJ: Okay audience, let’s call Sarah, shall we? (touch tones… ringing…) Clerk: Kinkos.

    DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she.

    DJ: Sarah, this is Edgar with WBBM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

    Sarah: (laughing) A couple of hours?

    DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of MateMatch?

    Sarah: No.

    DJ: Good!

    Brian: (laughing)

    Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to? Brian (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.

    DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure.. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic’s game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?

    Sarah: (laughing) Yes.

    DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?

    Sarah: Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.

    DJ: What time?

    Sarah: Around 8 this morning.

    DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?

    Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.

    DJ: Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?

    Sarah: (laughing) Yes.

    DJ: Where did you have it?

    Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that, did you?

    Brian: Just tell him, honey.

    DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?

    Sarah: Well, it’s just that my mom is vacationing with us and…

    DJ: Come on Sarah… where did you have it?

    Sarah: In the ass…

    (long pause)

    DJ: Folks, we need to take a station break.

  • The Canadian Comfort Station

    I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:

    "Hi, how are you doing?"

    Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don’t know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

    "Not bad."

    And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

    Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:

    "Well, just like you I’m driving east."

    Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I’ll call you back, there’s some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

  • The Difference Between Engineers and Accountants

    Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
    "Watch and you’ll see", answered an engineer.
    They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
    The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
    The conductor took it and moved on.
    The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all.
    "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
    "Watch and you’ll see", answered an engineer.
    When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".