The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: stick

  • Indians

    One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

    When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.

    The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

    So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

    Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

    The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!"

    The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

  • Bored?

    Things you can do with absolutely nothing…

    Push your eyes for interesting light show:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things – is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?

    See how long you can hold your breath:
    (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.

    Try to not think about polar bears:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

    Scratch yourself:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn’t that feel pretty good?

    Hurt yourself:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There’s nothing physical about it – it’s all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

    Try to swallow your tongue:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There’s not much to say about this one. It is possible.

    Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

    Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can’t even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").

    Things you can do with very little:

    See what’s in your neighbour’s trash:
    (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

    Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

    Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
    (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I’m surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I’m pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as a prank phone call, too.

    Make prank phone calls:
    (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember – vulgarities don’t make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald’s, try to make reservations.

    Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
    (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

    Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it’s a cliff:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don’t step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and… AHHHHHH!!!!!

    Burn things with a magnifying glass:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don’t like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.

    Things you can do with another person:

    Have a water drinking contest:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won’t feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

    Stare at the back of someone’s head until they turn around:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I’m being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment–does this really work?

    Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

    Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
    (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2′ high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It’s never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

    Pull out a hair, stick in someone’s ear:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can’t blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

    Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person’s neck:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you’re not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

  • The Full Bus

    A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

    A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

    So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man

    As he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, ‘Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.’

    The blind man replies, ‘If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.’

  • Dave Barry’s Colonoscopy Experience

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.  A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .  Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.  I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’
     
    I left Andy’ s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies.
     
    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.  Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.  Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
     
    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’  This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
     
    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but:  Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPr ep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
     
    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.  The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.  I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.
     
    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.  Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
     
    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.  At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.
     
    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.  Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.  There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.
     
    ‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me. ‘Ha ha,’ I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
     
    I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.  Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

    Dave Barry

  • Two Aliens in the Arizona Desert

    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take  us to your leader.’

    The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

    The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you.’

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

    Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’

    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad’

    ‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

    ‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, it’s not to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear.’

  • Acme Costume Company

    A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

    A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

    Dear Sir,

    Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate saying "Where be the treasure?" 😉

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.

    The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which  says:

    Dear Sir,

    Please find enclosed a monk’s costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.

    Now the man is really upset since they have gone from  emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he  writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

    Dear Sir,

    Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume  Co.

  • Singing the Blues

    I’m not usually one for lists of this nature but this is a ripper…

    Understanding the Blues and or wanting to become an instant success is all about telling a story – if you can’t sing – that’s a plus. Now let’s get started on your new career (don’t forget to leave your sunny disposition as you prepare to be miserable:

    1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning…"
    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
    3. Da Blues is simple to write. After you got the first line sounding right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes – sort of: "Got’s me a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I gots a me a good woman wid da meanest face in town..yes yes,…..Gots teeth like Margaret Thatcher —–and she weigh 500 pound."
    4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch…ain’t no way out.
    5. Blues cars include Chevys, Fords, old Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in no Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is provided by a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
    6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet ‘causin they ain’t even lived yet. Adult loosers sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
    7. Being Blue can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N’awlins are still the best places to have the Blues and it could get terminal. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don’t get no rain.
    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breakin’ yo leg ’cause you been skiing is not the Blues. Breakin’ yo leg ’cause a ‘gator be chomping on it is.
    9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster to git yo self in da mood.
    10. Good places for the Blues:
      a. highway
      b. jailhouse
      c. empty bed
      d. bottom of a whiskey glass
    11. Bad places for the Blues:
      a. Nordstrom’s
      b. gallery openings
      c. Ivy League institutions
      d. golf courses
    12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old person, it’s black as the Ace of Spades, and you slept in it.
    13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? "Yes," if:
      a. you’re older than dirt
      b. you’re blind (real or rage)
      c. you shot a man in Memphis
      d. you can’t be satisfied

      "No," if:
      a. you have all your teeth
      b. you were once blind but now can see
      c. the man in Memphis lived
      d. you have a trust fund or a 401k

    14. Blues is not a matter of race or color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston might consider a career change. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
    15. If you ask for water and your darlin’ gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues creating beverages are:
      a. cheap wine
      b. whiskey or bourbon
      c. muddy water
      d. black coffee

      The following are NOT Blues beverages:
      a. Perrier
      b. Chardonnay
      c. Snapple
      d. Slim Fast

    16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting bigger tits or liposuction.
    17. Some Blues names for women:
      a. Sadie
      b. Big Mama
      c. Bessie
      d. Fat River Dumpling
    18. Some Blues names for men:
      a. Joe
      b. Willie
      c. Little Willie
      d. Big Willie
    19. Women with names like Amber, Jennifer, or Heather, and men with names like Todd, Alastair or Biff can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
    20. It doesn’t matter how tragic your life is, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.

  • Two Aliens

    Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

    "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

    The gas pump (of course) didn’t respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn’t do that if I were you."

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting

    Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."

    The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don’t want to do that. You really don’t want to make him mad!"

    "Rubbish," replied the younger alien.

    He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

    Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

    "What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.

    "If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy", said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a dick he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don’t mess with him."

  • Saturday Mornings

    The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it’s the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it’s the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

    A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the basement ham-shack with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it. I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whomever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles." I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say. "Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you’re busy with your job. I’m sure they pay you well but it’s a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. Too bad you missed your daughter’s dance recital" he continued. "Let me tell you something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities."

    And that’s when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles."

    "You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years. "Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I’m getting to the important part. It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail", he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays."

    "I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear." "Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight.

    "Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time."

    "It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!"

    You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. "C’mon honey, I’m taking you and the kids to breakfast." "What brought this on?" she asked with a smile. Oh, nothing special, it’s just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we’re out? I need to buy some marbles…

  • Mary’s New Year Letter

    Yikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations at the Bethlehem Inn. (His carpentry projects aren’t the only thing made out of wood!) So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what?

    I go right into labour! "No problem," my obstetrician said, "make the trip."

    Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly special, but it’s been a madhouse ever since. First, we can’t agree on a name. Joseph likes Immanuel; I’m holding out for Jesus. Next, all these shepherds stop by to gawk (as if the smell wasn’t bad enough already!). At least these three camel jockeys brought gifts (ever try to exchange myrrh without a receipt?). We can’t get a good night’s sleep with that stupid star shining through the cracks in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold out of swaddling.

    Well, got to go. Joseph had another one of his goofy visions, so I guess we’re off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations!

    All my love,

    Mary