The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: stone

  • How to Shower

    How to Shower like a woman

    Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

    If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

    Get in the shower.

    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

    Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

    Rinse conditioner off hair.

    Shave armpits and legs.

    Turn off shower.

    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

    Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

    Get out of shower.

    Dry with towel the size of a small country.

    Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    How To Shower Like a Man

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    Walk naked to the bathroom.

    If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.

    Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

    Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

    Get in the shower.

    Wash your face.

    Wash your armpits.

    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

    Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

    Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

    Wash your hair.

    Make a Shampoo Mohican

    Wee.

    Rinse off and get out of shower.

    Partially dry off.

    Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

    Admire willy size in mirror again.

    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

     If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.

    Throw wet towel on bed.

  • A Young Scottish Lad and Lass

    A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
    For several minutes they sat silently.
    Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin’…….perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss."
    The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
    Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
    Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
    The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
    Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
    After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
    The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
    "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
    "Aye," said the lad, nodding.
    The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
    Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies ?"

  • Microsoft Haiku

    In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku Poetry has strict construction rules: Each poem has only 17 Syllables – 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They often achieve a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity.

    Aren’t these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation?"

    The Web site you seek
    Cannot be located, but
    Countless more exist.

    Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, and reboot.
    Order shall return.

    Program aborting.
    Close all that you have worked on.
    You ask far too much.

    Windows NT crashed.
    I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.

    Yesterday it worked.
    Today it is not working.
    Windows is like that.

    Your file was so big.
    It might be very useful.
    But now it is gone.

    Stay the patient course.
    Of little worth is your ire.
    The network is down.

    A crash reduces
    Your expensive computer
    To a simple stone.

    Three things are certain:
    Death, taxes and lost data.
    Guess which has occurred.

    You step in the stream,
    But the water has moved on.
    This page is not here.

    Out of memory.
    We wish to hold the whole sky,
    But we never will.

    Having been erased,
    The document you’re seeking
    Must now be retyped.

    Serious error.
    All shortcuts have disappeared.
    Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

    I ate your Web page.
    Forgive me; it was tasty
    And tart on my tongue.

  • The Monastry

    A man is driving down a country road in Ireland and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, show him to a room, and even fix his car.

    As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he’s ever heard before. It is the most beautiful sound he has ever heard in his life. He is instantly captivated and enchanted. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a hauntingly seductive sound.

    The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can’t tell you. You’re not a Monk."

    Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

    Years later, after never being able to forget that sound which continually echoes in his mind, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can’t tell you. You’re not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answer to these questions, you will have become a Monk."

    The man sets about his task.

    After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

    The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

    The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

    The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

    Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.

    The sound has now become very clear and definite.

    The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound…..

    But I cannot tell you what it is because you’re not a Monk.

  • Onestone the Indian Brave

    This is the story of Onestone, the Indian Brave.

    This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

    The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he screwed her all day, he screwed her all night, he screwed her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business.

    Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone." Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

    What is the moral of the story?

    Every one knows you can’t kill two birds with one stone.

  • How to Shower

    How to Shower – Like A Woman

    1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.

    2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

    3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you’re getting fat.

    4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

    5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

    6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

    7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

    8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

    9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

    10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

    11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

    12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you freeze / roast

    13. Turn off shower.

    14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Mould and Mildew Remover.

    15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

    16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a blemish. Attack with nails/tweezers/stanley knife/sander/power drill if found.

    17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

    18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

    How to Shower – Like A Man

    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making a "wey hey" sound.

    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror, suck in your gut, look for pecs. Admire yourself in the mirror.

    4. Get in the shower.

    5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one).

    6. Wash your face.

    7. Wash your armpits.

    8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

    9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

    10. Ensure you leave "special" hair on the soap bar.

    11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

    12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

    13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

    14. Pee (in the shower).

    15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the bath the whole time.

    16. Partially dry off.

    17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire self again.

    18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

    19. Leave bathroom light on.

    20. Return to the bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, grab willy, repeat "Wey hey" sound.

    21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

  • The Amazon Explorer

    An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a large bloodthirsty group of savage natives. He quietly says out loud, "Oh God, I’m screwed!" Suddenly, there is a ray of light from above and a voice booms out, "No, you’re not screwed yet. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of their chief standing in front of you." So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living crap out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, with the shocked and angry looks of the natives closing in on him, he looks upward and says, "What now God?" And God’s voice booms out, "Okay…now you’re screwed!"

  • The Sisters of Mercy

    A man was driving down a deserted highway when he noticed a sign that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION — 10 MILES."

    Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drove on. Soon, he saw another sign which said: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION — 5 MILES."

    Realizing these signs were for real, he drove on, and sure enough, there was a third: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION — NEXT RIGHT."

    His curiosity got the best of him, and he pulled into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot was a sombre, stone building with a sign on the door that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY."

    He climbed the steps, rang the bell, and the door was answered by a nun in a long black habit. She smiled and asked, "What may we do for you, my son?"

    "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business."

    "Very well, my son. Please follow me," said the nun. He was led through many winding passages, and soon he was very disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man, "Please, knock on this door," and left.

    The man did as he was told, and this door was opened by another nun in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructed him: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

    He placed the money in this nun’s tin cup. He ran eagerly down the hallway, and slipped through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

  • The Explorer

    An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I’m screwed."

    The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

    So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives…

    The voice booms out again, "Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed."

  • The Scotsman

    An old Scotsman is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says the boy. "Ah, lad look out that window. You see that stone wall there, I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall builder? No!

    He Takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and eye that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!

    He continues…"And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!"

    Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, then says, "Agh, but you screw one sheep…"