The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Story

  • A Story With a Moral

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. Next day in school, the kids, each in turn, began to tell their stories.

    ‘Janie, do you have a story to share?’

    ‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’

    ‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?’
     
    ‘Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.’

  • An Attractive Blonde from Cork

    An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.

    She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.

    With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed… ‘YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

    She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’

    The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

    MORAL OF THE STORY – Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men…. are men.

  • The Story of Adam and Eve’s Pets

    Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more.

    We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.
     
    And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.

    Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.
     
    And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

    And it was a good animal.

    And God was pleased.
     
    And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
     
    And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.
     
    And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.

    And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
     
    And they were comforted.
     
    And God was pleased.
     
    And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

    After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride

    They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.
     
    And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.

    The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.
     
    And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

    And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

    And Adam and Eve learned humility.
     
    And they were greatly improved.

    And God was pleased…
     
    And Dog was happy…

    And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other…

  • …and the Moral of the Story is…

    One day at the end of class little Gunner’s teacher had the class go home and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell a story; little Suzy raised her hand. 

    "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asked for the moral of the story. Suzy replied, "Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket." 

    Next was little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched." 

    Last was little Gunner. "My uncle Steve was a Marine; the helicopter he was in was shot down over enemy territory. As the only survivor, all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. First he drank the whiskey so the enemy couldn’t enjoy it. Unfortunately, he was quickly surrounded by a 100 soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looked in shock at Gunner and asked if there was any possible moral to his story. "Yes sir", Gunner replied, "Don’t screw with Uncle Steve when he’s been drinking."

  • Give Me a Story with a Moral

    A teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories. Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and we have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pick-up and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything." 

    "And what is the moral to that story?" 

    "Don’t put all your eggs in one basket." 

    "Very good!" said the teacher. Then little Lucy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don’t count your chickens before they are hatched." 

    "That was a fine example, Lucy. Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next." 

    "Yes Ma’am. My Daddy told me my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." 

    "Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?" 

    "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking."

  • The Elevator

    This is a true story.

    It happened to a guy who worked as staff on the 40th floor of a 60 story building.

    On that day (a Thursday night), he worked overtime and was forced to go home alone around 11:00 at night. No-one was known to be inside the building, aside from the night patrol, and it was quite dark on that floor.

    He went to the elevator and pressed the down button. The door opened with no-one inside. He went in and pressed "G" for ground floor. Strangely, the elevator went up. He tried to press the down button again but it continued to go up.

    When it reached the 59th floor, the elevator stopped.

    The door opened and a woman who was mysteriously beautiful, with long auburn hair and a white dress, smiled sweetly at him and entered the elevator.

    The guy was wondering who she was, since he had never seen her ever since he worked in that building. He was asking himself, "Who is she, and why hasn’t she gone home yet when it’s nearly midnight. It’s not safe for a lady to be alone so late at night". He wanted to ask her but he was shy so he kept silent.

    In the silence, the elevator went down slowly from one floor to another, 48, 46, 40, 36, 29, 18, when suddenly on the 13th floor, the lights in the elevator went off and the elevator suddenly stopped.

    It was pitch black. He pressed the emergency button, waited, but nothing happened. Suddenly, he smelled a very foul odour: something rotten. Goosepimples rose all over his skin. His heart beat faster, cold sweat broke out on his brow, he could not breathe. He began to say a prayer and tried to calm himself; breathe normally. He moved backwards, slowly. Then the lights flickered and came on.

    Suddenly, the woman, who was behind him, gave an evil eerie laugh and said "Sorry, I farted!"