The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Texas

  • Lee Trevino

    One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas,
    Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did. A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked,
    " Excuse me, do you speak English ?" Lee responded, " Yes Ma’am, I do "
    The lady then asked, " What do you charge to do yard work ? " Lee said, " Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her ".

    The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

  • “I Love You” in 10 Languages

    English
    I Love You

    Spanish
    Te Amo

    French
    Je T’aime

    German
    Ich Liebe Dich

    Japanese
    Ai Shite Imasu

    Italian
    Ti Amo

    Chinese
    Wo Ai Ni

    Swedish
    Jag Alskar Dig

    Lithuanian
    As Tave Meliu

    Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta
    Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

  • A Tourist Visiting Dallas

    While sightseeing, a tourist visiting Dallas, Texas came upon a wild dog attacking a little girl. He swiftly caught the animal and strangled it with his bare hands.

    A reporter who witnessed the event applauded the tourist’s actions and told him the newspaper headline of the next day would be, "Courageous Hometown Man Rescues Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

    The brave man told the reporter that he wasn’t from Dallas.

    "All right, then," the reporter said, "the headline will most likely read, ‘Brave Texas Man Rescues Child by Killing Dog’."

    "As a matter of fact," the man replied, "I am not from Texas but from Vermont."

    "Well, in that case," the reporter replied huffily, "the headline will say, ‘Thoughtless Yankee Slays Beloved Family Pet’."

  • Vet Students

    First-year students at Texas A&M’s Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real, dead cow.

    They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

    The professor started the class by telling them, ‘In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

    The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.’

    As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

    ‘Go ahead and do the same thing,’ he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

    When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,

    ‘The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.’

    ‘Now, learn to pay attention. Life’s tough, but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid!

  • The Donkey Raffle

    Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, ‘Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’

    Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

    The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

    Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

    The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?

    Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

    The farmer said ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

    Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

    A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’

    Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’

    The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

    Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

    Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley & is contracted to the Federal Government.

  • Mexican Words of the Day

    Mexican words of the day

    1. *Cheese*
    The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
    Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

    2. *Mushroom*
    When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

    3. *Shoulder*
    My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I
    shoulder.

    4. * Texas *
    My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

    5. *Herpes*
    Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

    6. *July*
    Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

    7. *Rectum*
    I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

    8. *Chicken*
    I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

    9. *Wheelchair*
    We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair

    10. *Chicken* *wing*
    My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

    11. *Harassment*
    My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
    harassment nothing to me.

    12. *Bishop*
    My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

    13. *Body wash*
    I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

    14. *Budweiser*
    That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

  • The Blondes and the Texas Highway Patrol

    Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

    The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y’all want to be cops, huh?"

    The blondes all nodded.

    The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

    Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

    So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

    "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

    The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

    The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!"

    The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

    The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

    "Yes! He only has one ear!"

    The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You’re excused too!"

    The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

    The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but…" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

    The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

    The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

    He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

    The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses."

  • A Cowboy Walks Into a Bar…

    A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together.
    So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody’s just fine," he explains, "It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking… hasn’t affected my brothers though."

  • 2003 Darwin Awards

    Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It’s an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year in reverse order are:

    7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

    6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6′ 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube’s other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

    5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

    4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

    3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

    2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly Management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as bright’ by his peers.

    AND THE WINNER IS…

    1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez’s scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the proshop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course. NB: This last one wouldn’t normally count, because the idiot didn’t die. But because he can not reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

  • 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army

    Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn’t allowed to do. He collected those things into a hilarious list and posted them to the web.

    1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.
    2. My proper military title is ‘Specialist Schwarz’ not ‘Princess Anastasia’.
    3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
    4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
    5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
    6. Not allowed to play ‘Pulp Fiction’ with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
    7. Not allowed to add ‘In accordance with the prophesy’ to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
    8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.
    9. Not allowed to title any product ‘Get Over it’.
    10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on Government time.
    11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
    12. Not allowed to join any militia.
    13. Not allowed to form any militia.
    14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
    15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to ‘Sic Brass!’
    16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my ‘Sampson like powers’.
    17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
    18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous ‘Barbie Girl Dance’ while on duty.
    19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.
    20. Must not taunt the French any more.
    21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
    22. Must never call an SAS a ‘Wanker’.
    23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.
    24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.
    25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
    26. Never tell a German soldier that ‘We kicked your ass in World War 2!’
    27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
    28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
    29. The Irish MPs are not after ‘Me frosted lucky charms’.
    30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
    31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
    32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
    33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
    34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
    35. Not allowed to sing ‘High Speed Dirt’ by Megadeth during airborne operations. (‘See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker’)
    36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).
    37. Our medic is called ‘Sgt Larwasa’, not ‘Dr. Feelgood’.
    38. Our supply Sgt is ‘Sgt Watkins’ not ‘Sugar Daddy’.
    39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
    40. I do not have super-powers.
    41. ‘Keep on Trucking’ is *not* a psychological warfare message.
    42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.
    43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
    44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
    45. I am not allowed to ‘Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies’.
    46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
    47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
    48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
    49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for ‘magic beans’.
    50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
    51. Not allowed to quote ‘Dr Seuss’ on military operations.
    52. Not allowed to yell ‘Take that Cobra’ at the rifle range.
    53. Not allowed to quote ‘Full Metal Jacket ‘ at the rifle range.
    54. ‘Napalm sticks to kids’ is *not* a motivational phrase.
    55. An order to ‘Put Kiwi on my boots’ does *not* involve fruit.
    56. An order to ‘Make my Boots black and shiny’ does not involve electrical tape.
    57. The proper response to a lawful order is not ‘Why?’
    58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
    59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
    60. ‘The Giant Space Ants’ are not at the top of my chain of command.
    61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean ‘I have been promoted three more times than you’.
    62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
    63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
    64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
    65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
    66. There is no ‘Anti-Mime’ campaign in Bosnia.
    67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
    68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers’.
    69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
    70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
    71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
    72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
    73. No military functions are to be performed ‘Skyclad’.
    74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
    75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
    76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
    77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
    78. I may not call block my chain of command.
    79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
    80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
    81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
    82. May not form any press gangs.
    83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about…."
    84. Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish’ things.
    85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
    86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the ‘field of honor’.
    87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
    88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as ‘Mom’.
    89. Must not refer to the Commander as ‘Dad’.
    90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
    91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
    92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo’ is probably not appropriate.
    93. Nerve gas is not funny.
    94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
    95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
    96. ‘Redneck Zombies’ is not a military training aid.
    97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
    98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.’
    99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
    100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
    101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
    102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
    103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
    104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
    105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
    106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
    107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
    108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
    109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
    110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
    111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
    112. When saluting a ‘leg’ officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh…sorry sir".
    113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from ‘Full Monty’ every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
    114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
    115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
    116. Crucifying mice – bad idea.
    117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
    118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
    119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
    120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
    121. I should not use government resources to ‘waterproof’ dirty magazines.
    122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
    123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
    124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
    125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
    126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
    127. ‘No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages’ does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.
    128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
    129. The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders.
    130. ‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
    131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
    132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
    133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
    134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
    135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
    136. Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!’ while out on a mission is bad.
    137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
    138. Even if my commander did it.
    139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
    140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
    141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’.
    142. ‘Calvin-Ball’ is not authorized PT.
    143. I do not need to keep a ‘range card’ by my window.
    144. ‘K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free’ is not an authorized uniform.
    145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
    146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
    147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
    148. Putting red ‘Mike and Ike’s’ ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
    149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
    150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
    151. The proper way to report to my Commander is ‘Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir’ not ‘You can’t prove a thing!’
    152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
    153. I should not assign new privates to ‘guard the flight line’.
    154. Shouldn’t treat ‘piss-bottles’ with extra-strength icy hot.
    155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
    156. I will no longer perform ‘lap-dances’ while in uniform.
    157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
    158. The revolution is not now.
    159. When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.
    160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
    161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
    162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
    163. Take that hat off.
    164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
    165. I do not get ‘that time of month’.
    166. No, the pants are not optional.
    167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
    168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
    169. Not even if they *are* ‘especially patriotic films’
    170. Not allowed to ‘defect’ to OPFOR during training missions.
    171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General’s helicopter.
    172. ‘A full magazine and some privacy’ is not the way to help a potential suicide.
    173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
    174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).
    175. We do not ‘charge into battle, naked, like the Celts’.
    176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
    177. I am not to refer to a formation as ‘the boxy rectangle thingie’.
    178. I am not ‘A lesbian trapped in a man’s body’.
    179. On Army documents, my race is not ‘Other’.
    180. Nor is it ‘Secretariat, in the third’.
    181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
    182. There is no FM for ‘wall-to-wall counseling’.
    183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
    184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something ‘I saw in a cartoon’.
    185. My name is not a killing word.
    186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
    187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
    188. May not challenge officers to ‘Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn’.
    189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
    190. Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.
    191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
    192. The proper response to a briefing is not ‘That’s what you think’.
    193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
    194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
    195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
    196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
    197. I am not allowed to sing ‘Henry the VIII I am’ until verse 68 ever again.
    198. Not allowed to lead a ‘Coup’ during training missions.
    199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
    200. My chain of command is not interested in why I ‘just happen’ to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
    201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
    202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
    203. ‘To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
    204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
    205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
    206. Not allowed to get shot.
    207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
    208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
    209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism…this was the same dinner.)
    210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
    211. Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
    212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
    213. Do not convince NCO’s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.