The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Ticket

  • The Rectum Stretcher

    While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

    The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked "What’s your hurry?"

    To which she replied, "I’m late for work."

    "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

    "I’m a rectum stretcher," she responded.

    The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

    "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide."

    "And just what do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked.

    "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.."

    Traffic Ticket $95.00

    Court Costs. $45.00

    The Look on Cop’s Face. PRICELESS

  • The Speeding Ticket

    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

    Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

    Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

    Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?

    Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

    Driver: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

    Driver: Sure. Here it is.

    It was valid.

    Captain: Who’s car is this?

    Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

    Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

    Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

    Driver: No problem.

    Trunk is opened; no body.

    Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t

    have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

  • Airport Security

    I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

    As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.

    "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?" he asked.

    I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.

    He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

  • The Difference Between Engineers and Accountants

    Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
    "Watch and you’ll see", answered an engineer.
    They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
    The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
    The conductor took it and moved on.
    The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all.
    "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
    "Watch and you’ll see", answered an engineer.
    When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".