The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: TIME

  • George and Oprah

    George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night.

    After the show, Oprah said, "George, if I’m not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place."

    So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

    She says okay. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. George says, "Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

    Oprah says, "Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you’re sleeping?" George replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a black woman, she stole my wallet."

  • Next Time You’re in a Car

    Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a red light, look at the guy in the car next to you. Roll down your window really fast (like you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls HIS window down, look at him and yell:

    "Oh, did you fart, too?"

  • The Gynaecologist

    It’s her first time at the gynaecologist. She’s up in the stirrups, and she’s scared to death. The gynaecologist says, "You’re nervous, aren’t you?"

    She says, "Yes. It’s my first time at the gynaecologist."

    He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"

    She says, "Please."

    He sticks his nose between her legs and goes, "Num, num, num…"

  • Men and Women

    HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

    Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savour, massage, make plans, fix, empathise, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalise, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorise, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalise, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicise, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturise, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinise, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolise and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

    HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

    Show up naked. Bring Beer.

  • Once Upon a Time

    Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess,

    "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

    That night, as the princess dined on frogs legs in garlic butter, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don’t fucking think so."