The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: tone

  • The Fertilized Egg Business

    John was in the fertilized egg business.

    He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

    He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

    Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

    Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

    When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

    He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the  "No Bell Piece Prize,"  but they also awarded him the  "Pulletsurprise"  as well.

    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.   Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

    Vote carefully on August 21, the bells are not always audible.

  • The Young Chinese Couple

    A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin also, but she doesn’t know that.

    On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

    ‘My darring,’ he whispers, ‘I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.

    I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want.

    You juss ask. Whatchu want?’ he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

    She eventually shyly whispers back, ‘I wanna try someting I hear about from the other girls… it called "NUMBAH 69!!".’

    More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

    Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her… ‘You want… a Garlic Chicken wif corrifrowa??’

  • Three Girls on the Porch

    A nice man walks past a house and sees three girls sitting on their front porch. He stops and says to the first little girl, "Hello little girl, what’s your name?"

    She replies, "My name is Petal, because when my mother was pregnant with me, a petal landed on her tummy." The man said, "That’s so sweet!"

    To the next girl he asks, "Little girl, what’s your name?"

    The girls says, "My name is Feather, because when my mother was pregnant with me, a feather landed on her tummy." He again praises the cute young girl.

    The man looks to the third girl who seems very dazed with her eyes to the sky and her mouth open wide drooling. He says as kindly as he can, "And you little girl, what’s your name?"

    The girl replies in a very drawled out tone, "mayyyy nayyyme uzzzz peyannnno."

  • Phone Messages

    WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.

    Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk!)

    Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

    (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loudly and (BEEP)

    This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is "supercilious."

    Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

    I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

    I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

    Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? … BEEP

    (Rod Sterling imitation:) You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead – this is no ordinary telephone answering device…You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

    Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

    This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

    I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, eh. This is so confusing.

    The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

    You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

    (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

    Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

    Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

    Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

  • The Pager

    Lil’ Johnny’s mother took him with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil’ Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she’s REALLY FAT."

    The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil’ Johnny received a quiet reprimand.

    After a minute or two, Lil’ Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."

    At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.

    Again after a couple of minutes Lil’ Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny’s mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.

    Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line and then her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. Lil’ Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE’S BACKING UP!!!!"