The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: TV

  • The Pervert

    The phone rings, and the wife answers.

    A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair."
    The woman replies, "Yes, he’s watching TV – who shall I say is calling?"

  • 101 Ways to Really Annoy People

    1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

    2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

    3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

    4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…"

    5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

    6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

    7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

    8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

    9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

    10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

    11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

    12. Sniffle incessantly.

    13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

    14. Name your dog "Dog."

    15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

    16. Reply to everything someone says with "that’s what YOU think."

    17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

    18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

    19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

    20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

    21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

    22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

    23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

    24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

    25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

    26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

    27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

    28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.

    29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

    30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

    31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

    32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

    33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

    34. Drum on every available surface.

    35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

    36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

    37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

    38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

    39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

    40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

    41. Set alarms for random times.

    42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

    43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

    44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

    45. Honk and wave to strangers.

    46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

    47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

    48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

    49. Wear your pants backwards.

    50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

    51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

    52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

    53. only type in lowercase.

    54. dont use any punctuation either

    55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

    56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

    57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

    58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

    59. Write "X – BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.

    60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

    61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

    62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

    63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

    64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

    65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

    66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

    67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

    68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

    69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

    70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

    71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

    72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

    73. Drive half a block.

    74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

    75. Ask people what gender they are.

    76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

    77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

    78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

    79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

    80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

    81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

    82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

    83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

    84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

    85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.

    86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

    87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

    88. Sing along at the opera.

    89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

    90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-

    batter!"

    91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

    92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

    93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

    94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

    95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

    96. Never make eye contact.

    97. Never break eye contact.

    98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

    99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

    100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

    101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

  • Bored?

    Things you can do with absolutely nothing…

    Push your eyes for interesting light show:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things – is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?

    See how long you can hold your breath:
    (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.

    Try to not think about polar bears:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

    Scratch yourself:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn’t that feel pretty good?

    Hurt yourself:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There’s nothing physical about it – it’s all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

    Try to swallow your tongue:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There’s not much to say about this one. It is possible.

    Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

    Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can’t even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").

    Things you can do with very little:

    See what’s in your neighbour’s trash:
    (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

    Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

    Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
    (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I’m surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I’m pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as a prank phone call, too.

    Make prank phone calls:
    (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember – vulgarities don’t make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald’s, try to make reservations.

    Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
    (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

    Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it’s a cliff:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don’t step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and… AHHHHHH!!!!!

    Burn things with a magnifying glass:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don’t like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.

    Things you can do with another person:

    Have a water drinking contest:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won’t feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

    Stare at the back of someone’s head until they turn around:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I’m being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment–does this really work?

    Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

    Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
    (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2′ high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It’s never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

    Pull out a hair, stick in someone’s ear:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can’t blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

    Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person’s neck:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you’re not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

  • A Man Watching TV

    A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s
    voice from the kitchen.

    "What would you like for dinner, love?  Chicken, beef or lamb?"

    He said, "I’d love chicken, thank you."

    She replied, "Screw you. You’re having soup.. I was talking to the cat."

  • Their Diaries

    HER DIARY
    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
    We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
    I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
    Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
    He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
    I asked him what was wrong; he said, ‘Nothing.’
    I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
    He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
    On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
    He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
    I can’t explain his behaviour. I don’t know why but he didn’t say, "I love you, too."
    When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
    He just sat there quietly and watched TV.
    He continued to seem distant and absent.
    Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
    About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
    To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
    But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
    He fell asleep – I cried.
    I don’t know what to do.
    I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
    My life is a disaster.

    HIS DIARY
    Harley wouldn’t start today… I can’t figure it out, but at least I got laid

  • In the Beginning

    In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

    Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, ‘You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, ‘Yes!’ And Woman said, ‘I’ll have one too with chocolate chips’. And so they gained 10 pounds.

    And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

    And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

    So God said, ‘Try my fresh green salad’. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

    God then said ‘I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them’.

    And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

    Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

    Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

    And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

    Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

    And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said ‘You want fries with that?’ and Man replied, ‘Yes, and super size ’em’. And Satan said, ‘It is good.’ And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

    God sighed ……… and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

    And then ………… Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

  • New Year’s Resolutions you can Keep

    Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

    1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

    2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

    3. Read less.

    4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

    5. Procrastinate more.

    6. Drink. Drink some more.

    7. Take up a new habit: smoking.

    8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.

    9. Spend more time at work.

    10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.

    11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

    12. Quit giving money & time to charity.

    14. Start being superstitious.

    15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

    16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

    17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.

    18. Personal goal: bring back disco.

  • A Grayish-White Powder

    When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich’s house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide-screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was ‘a white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.’ (That’s the way the police report described it.)

    A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, ‘It looked similar to high-grade cocaine and they’d probably thought they’d hit the big time.’

    Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: ‘Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.’

    The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan’s doorstep. The cardboard box was there, too. About half of Gertrude’s ashes remained.

    Scotch-taped to the box was this note: ‘Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry that we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.’

  • The Daughter’s Vibrator

    As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

    Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’

    The daughter replied: ‘mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

    The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

    To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

    A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

    The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

    The wife asked: ‘What the hell are you doing?’

    The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’

  • Laura Lou

    A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

    "What was that for?" he asked.

     

    "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

     

    "Two weeks ago when I went to the track, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

     

    "Oh honey, I’m sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation "

     

    Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

     

    When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

     

    She replied…

     

    "Your horse called."