The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Two Irish

  • Logic

    Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.


    The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

    Pat: – I reckon he’s an accountant.

    Seamus: – No way – he’s a stockbroker.

    Pat: – He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!

    The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

    On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

    Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

    Pat: – ‘Scuse me…. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

    Suit: – No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession

    Pat: – Oh? What’s that then?

    Suit: – I’ll try to explain by example …… Do you have a goldfish at home?

    Pat: – Er … mmm ………. well yeah, I do as it happens!

    Suit: – Well, it’s logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

    Pat: – It’s in a pond!

    Suit: – Well it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

    Pat: – As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

    Suit: – Well then it’s logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

    Pat: – As it happens I’ve got a five bedroom house… built it myself!

    Suit: – Well given that you’ve built a five bedroom house it’s logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

    Pat: – Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

    Suit: – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

    Pat: – Yep! Five times a week!

    Suit: – Well then it is logical to suggest that you don’t masturbate very often?

    Pat: – Do what? Not me, mate!

    Suit: – Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!

    Pat: – How’s that then?

    Suit: – Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!

    Pat: – I see! That’s pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

    Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

    Seamus: – I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

    Pat: – Yep! He’s a logical scientist!

    Seamus: – What’s that then?

    Pat: – I’ll try and explain.. Do you have a goldfish?

    Seamus: – Nope

    Pat: – Well then, you’re a wanker.

  • On a Chain of Beautiful Deserted Islands…

    On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

    • Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
    • Two French men and one French woman.
    • Two German men and one German woman.
    • Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
    • Two British men and one British woman.
    • Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
    • Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
    • Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
    • Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
    • Two Canadian men and one Canadian woman.

    One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

    • One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
    • The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage à trois.
    • The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
    • The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
    • The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
    • The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
    • The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
    • The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
    • The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.
    • The two Canadian men are contemplating suicide, because the Canadian woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.