The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: TWO

  • The Pope in the Shower

    The Pope was having a shower. Although he’s very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

    Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air. ‘Hold on a minute! ‘, said the Pope, ‘You can’t do that – you’ll destroy the reputation of the Church!’

    ‘This is my lottery win,’ said the photographer, ‘I’ll be financially secure for life with these photos!’ So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

    The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

    Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, ‘That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?’

    Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, ‘….two million dollars…’

    ‘TWO MILLION DOLLARS!! ‘ replied the housekeeper, ‘They must have seen you coming! ‘

  • The Train Set

    A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we’re in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause we’re going down the tracks".

    The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

    She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

    As the mother began to smile, the child added… "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

  • Studio Script Notes on “The Passion”

    Very funny satirical script notes written by Steve Martin (aka Stan) in The New Yorker March 5th

    From the New Yorker, The Back Page by Steve Martin

    STUDIO SCRIPT NOTES ON "THE PASSION"

    Dear Mel, We love, love the script! The ending works great. You’ll be getting a call from us to start negotiations for the book rights. -Love the Jesus character. So likable. He can’t seem to catch a break! We identify with him because of it. One thing: I think we need to clearly state "the rules." Why doesn’t he use his superpowers to save himself? Our creative people suggest that you could simply cut away to two spectators: SPECTATOR ONE Why doesn’t he use his superpowers to save himself? SPECTATOR TWO He can only use his powers to help others, never himself.

    -Does it matter which garden? Gethsemane is hard to say, and Eden is a much more recognizable garden. Just thinking out loud.

    -Our creative people suggest a clock visual fading in and out in certain scenes, like the Last Supper bit: "Thursday, 7:43 P.M.," or "Good Friday, 5:14 P.M."

    -Love the repetition of "Is it I?" Could be very funny. On the eighth inquiry, could Jesus just give a little look of exasperation into the camera? Breaks frame, but could be a riot.

    -Also, could he change water into wine in Last Supper scene? Would be a great moment, and it’s legit. History compression is a movie tradition and could really brighten up the scene. Great trailer moment, too.

    -Love the flaying.

    -Could the rabbis be Hispanic? There’s lots of hot Latino actors now, could give us a little zing at the box office. Research says there’s some historical justification for it. -Possible title change: "Lethal Passion." Kinda works. The more I say it out loud, the more I like it.

    -Is there someplace where Jesus could be using an iBook? You know, now that I say it, it sounds ridiculous. Strike that. But think about it. Maybe we start a shot in Heaven with Jesus thoughtfully closing the top? -Love the idea of Monica Bellucci as Mary Magdalene (yow!). Our creative people suggest a name change to Heather. Could skew our audience a little younger.

    -Love Judas. Such a great villain. Our creative people suggest that he’s a little complicated. Couldn’t he be one thing? Just bad? Gives the movie much more of a motor. Also, thirty pieces of silver is not going to get anyone excited. I think it’d be very simple to make him a "new millionaire." Bring in the cash on a tray. Great dilemma that the audience can identify with. -Minor spelling error: on page 18, in the description of the bystanders, there should be a space between the words "Jew" and "boy."

    -Merchandising issue: it seems the Cross image Has been done to death and is public domain-we can’t own it. Could the Crucifixion scene involve something else? A Toyota would be wrong, but maybe there’s a shape we can copyright, like a wagon wheel?

    -I’m assuming "The dialogue is in Aramaic" is a typo for "American." If not, call me on my cell, or I’m at home all weekend.

    By the way, I’m sending a group of staffers on a cruise to the North Pole, coincidentally around the time of your picture’s release. Would love to invite your dad!

    See you at the movies!

    Yours, Stan

  • Three Daughters

    A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.

    The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffee". The Mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said; "Satisfaction to the last drop…". So, Mother was happy.

    Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

    Then it was the third one’s wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "Swissair". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a SR ad.

    She found one and fainted.

    The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS…"