The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: US

  • Reggie, Tank and the Two Elderly Ladies

    They told me the big black Lab’s name was Reggie, as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I’d only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.
        
    But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn’t hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie’s advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn’t look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must’ve thought I did.

    But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes and a sealed letter from his previous owner.

    See, Reggie and I didn’t really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.

    I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let’s see if your previous owner has any advice."

    To Whomever Gets My Dog:

    Well, I can’t say that I’m happy you’re reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie’s new owner. I’m not even happy writing it. He knew something was different.

    So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.

    First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier. Sometimes I think he’s part squirrel, the way he hoards them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. He hasn’t done it yet. Doesn’t matter where you throw them, he’ll bound after them, so be careful. Don’t do it by any roads.

    Next, the commands he’s learned. Reggie knows the obvious ones —"sit," "stay," "come," and "heel."

    He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody’s business.

    Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.

    He’s up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car. I don’t know how he knows when it’s time to go to the vet, but he knows.

    Finally, give him some time. It’s only been Reggie and me for his whole life. He’s gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn’t bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.

    And that’s why I need to share one more bit of info with you… His name’s not Reggie. He’s a smart dog, he’ll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn’t bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this .. well it means that his new owner should know his real name. His real name is "Tank." Because, that is what I drive.

    I told the shelter that they couldn’t make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could’ve left Tank with … and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter … in the "event" … to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he’d do it personally. And if you’re reading this, then he made good on his word.

    Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he loved me.

    If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.

    All right, that’s enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. Maybe I’ll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.

    Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight – every night – from me.

    Thank you,

    Paul Mallory

    I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure, I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.

    I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.
    "Hey, Tank," I said quietly

    The dog’s head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright.

    "C’mere boy."

    He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted; searching for the name he hadn’t heard in months. "Tank," I whispered.

    His tail swished.

    I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into his scruff and hugged him.

    "It’s me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek.

    "So whatdaya say we play some ball?" His ears perked again.

    "Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?"

    Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room. And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Good on you for lasting this long – great story, but I can understand you might be thinking, "That’s not Mirth!"

    So here you go:

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don’t get mad at me….. I know we’ve been friends for a long time….. but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

  • The Arab Sheik

    An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.

    Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, as appreciation for giving his blood, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

    A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

    After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

    To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".

  • To the Citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

    In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
     
    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
     
    Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
     
    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
     
    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
     
    1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up ‘vocabulary’).
    ————————
    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’
    ——————-
    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
    —————–
    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
    ———————-
    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
    ———————-
    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
    ——————–
    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
    ——————-
    8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed, not with ketchup, but with vinegar.
    ——————-
    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
    ———————
    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
    ———————
    11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
    ———————
    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
    ——————–
    13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.
    —————–
    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
    —————
    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.
     
    God Save the Queen!

  • One Hundred Year Old Twins

    Twin sisters in St. Luke’s Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

    The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

    One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

    Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

    The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

    "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

    "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

    Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

    "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.

    "Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little," said the photographer.

    Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

    "HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!"

    With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD – BOTH OF US?"

  • Thw Windshields of Airliners

    Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

    British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.  Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

    When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof  shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control  console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

    The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

    You’re gonna love this . .. …

    NASA responded with a one-line memo:

    "Defrost the chicken."

  • An Arab Diplomat Visiting the US

    An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

    Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. ”Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the Grand Emir.

    ”A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, ”white man sit on well.”

  • To the Citizens of the United States of America

    To the citizens of the United States of America…

    In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

    Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

    July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

    You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

    You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

    An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

    John Cleese

  • Weapons of Mass Destruction @ Google

    Something a little different…

    1) Go to Google.com. < http://www.google.com>
    2) Type in "weapons of mass destruction," DON’T hit the enter button.
    3) Hit the "I’m feeling lucky" button instead of the normal Google "search" button (this is below the search line)
    4) THE "ERROR MESSAGE" APPEARS. READ THE ERROR MESSAGE CAREFULLY. Make sure you read the whole error message.

    This link may go away, but it used to look like this, in perfect Windows Error format…

    ——————————————————————————–

    These Weapons of Mass Destruction cannot be displayed The weapons you are looking for are currently unavailable. The country might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your weapons inspectors mandate.

    ——————————————————————————–

    Please try the following:

    Click the Regime change button, or try again later.

    If you are George Bush and typed the country’s name in the address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. (IRAQ).

    To check your weapons inspector settings, click the UN menu, and then click Weapons Inspector Options. On the Security Council tab, click Consensus. The settings should match those provided by your government or NATO.
    If the Security Council has enabled it, The United States of America can examine your country and automatically discover Weapons of Mass Destruction.
    If you would like to use the CIA to try and discover them, click Detect weapons Some countries require 128 thousand troops to liberate them. Click the Panic menu and then click About US foreign policy to determine what regime they will install.
    If you are an Old European Country trying to protect your interests, make sure your options are left wide open as long as possible. Click the Tools menu, and then click on League of Nations. On the Advanced tab, scroll to the Head in the Sand section and check settings for your exports to Iraq.
    Click the Bomb button if you are Donald Rumsfeld.

    Cannot find weapons or CIA Error
    Iraqi Explorer
    Bush went to Iraq to look for Weapons of Mass Destruction and all he found was this lousy T-shirt.

  • General Reinwald

    This is an exact replication of National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?

    GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

    GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

    GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers !

    GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one…… are you?

  • Ground Control

    During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta. Stop right there! I know it’s difficult to tell the difference between C’s & D’s, but get it right!"

    Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you’ve screwed everything up; it’ll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don’t move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

    The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma’am." The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. 

    Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn’t I married to you once?"