Tag: Wal Mart

  • New Computer at Wal-Mart

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I’d better see a doctor.’

    ‘Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,’ Mike replies. ‘There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it… It takes ten seconds and costs $10 – A lot cheaper than a doctor.’

    So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    ‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp * rm sample for good measure. Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm… Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

    5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

  • The Wal-Mart Greeter

    A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain’t. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

    "I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

  • Toaster Refund

    She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on sale.

    All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

    The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What’s wrong?"

    She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on sale.

    Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma’am, why are you saying that?"

    In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I’M GETTING SCREWED!"

    Her money was instantly refunded.