Tag: weight

  • Debbie Jones

    A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

    The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?"

    The mother says, "It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

    The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, – "Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess."

    The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can’t be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"

    Debbie says, "No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man, I’m still a virgin!"

    The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it. About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

    The doctor replies, "No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it this time!"

  • Calling In Sick

    Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.

    No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m lying.

    On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.

    I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.

    By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

    The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

    Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

    Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

    "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

    "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

    "But I’m scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C’mon, it’ll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

    It is the last action I remember performing.

    It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

    No, it wasn’t the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

    It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

    She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.

    And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

    I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

    Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.

    Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

    I know this from experience.

    I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

    When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

    Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

    Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter……and not succeeding.

    Somehow I lived through it all.

    A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.

    I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What’s the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

    If they only knew!

    Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

  • New Year’s Resolutions you can Keep

    Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

    1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

    2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

    3. Read less.

    4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

    5. Procrastinate more.

    6. Drink. Drink some more.

    7. Take up a new habit: smoking.

    8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.

    9. Spend more time at work.

    10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.

    11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

    12. Quit giving money & time to charity.

    14. Start being superstitious.

    15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

    16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

    17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.

    18. Personal goal: bring back disco.

  • The Science of Santa

    1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
    2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT because Santa doesn’t (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total — 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
    3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second — a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
    4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload — not even counting the weight of the sleigh — to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison — this is four times the weight of Elizabeth Taylor.
    5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance — this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

    In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

  • Her Yearly Physical

    A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

    The nurse starts with certain basic items.

    "How much do you weigh?" she asks.

    "115," she says.

    The nurse puts her on the scale.

    It turns out her weight is 140.

    The nurse asks, "Your height?"

    "5 foot 8," she says.

    The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5′ 5".

    She then takes her blood pressure

    And tells the woman it is very high.

    "Of course it’s high!" she screams,

    "When I came in here I was tall and slender!

    Now I’m short and fat!"

  • A Woman and a Baby

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examination room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor entered, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

    "Breast-fed", she replied.

    "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

    She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

    Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, " No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk."

    "I know," she said, "I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came."

  • Greg and the Ant

    Greg watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning…

    When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground.

    Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade.

    In this manner, he travelled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted Greg.

    And then, all at once, Greg had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear…

    Yes, hunched over that ant on his hands and knees, Greg suddenly knew what he had to do…

    Quit drinking before noon!

  • Everything You Wanted to Know About Flatulence But Were Afraid to Ask

    What makes flatulence stink?

    The odour of flatulence comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulphide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulphur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add to the stench of flatulence. The more sulphur-rich your diet, the more sulphides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your flatulence will stink.

    Foods such as cauliflower and eggs are notorious for producing smelly flatulence, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky flatulence. ( Editor : what about turkey? ).

    Why are stinky flatulence generally warmer and quieter than regular flatulence?

    Most flatulence gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odourless, although they often pick up other (and more odiferous) components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in fairly large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous flatulence, but they are commonly (but not always!) mundane with respect to odour, and don’t feel particularly warm.

    Another major source of flatulence gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a by-product as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.

    How much gas does a normal person pass per day?

    On average, a person produces about half a litre of flatulence gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily flatulence. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical flatulence count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your flatulence. You might make a note of the potency of their odour as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you flatulate, and how much they smell.

    How long does it take flatulence gas to travel to someone else’s nose?

    Flatulence travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the flatulence particles, and the distance between the flatulence transmitter and the flatulence receiver.

    Flatulences also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the flatulence is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the flatulence is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the flatulence may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

    Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between flatulences and the time it starts to smell?

    Actually, the flatulence stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odour to travel to the farter’s nostrils. If flatulence could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly, at the same time we hear them.

    Is it true that some people never flatulate?

    No, not if they’re alive. People even flatulate shortly after death.

    Do even movie stars flatulate?

    Yes most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of flatulence gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men flatulate more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per flatulation than men do.

    Do men’s flatulence smell worse than women’s flatulence?

    Based on what I have experienced of women’s flatulence, all I can say is that I hope not..

    At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to flatulate?

    A gentleman is mostly likely to flatulate first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

    Why are beans so notorious for making people flatulate?

    Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious flatulence-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, ( editor : TURKEY!!!! ) and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog’s digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog’s bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.

    What things other than diet can make a person flatulate more than usual?

    People who swallow a lot of air flatulate more than people who don’t. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will flatulate more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low- pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.

    Is a flatulation really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?

    No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a flatulation. Flatulations have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.

    Is it harmful to hold in Flatulations?

    There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing flatulating at banquets out of concern for people’s health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining flatulence. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in flatulence. Flatulence will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distension of the bowel could result if a person holds in flatulence too much.

    How long would it be possible to not Flatulate?

    As I understand it, a captive flatulence can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from flatulating during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans-Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do flatulate voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from flatulence as long as you can stay awake!

    Do all people flatulate in their sleep?

    I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don’t think all people flatulate in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to flatulate when they’re awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.

    Where do Flatulations go when you hold them in?

    How often have you held in a flatulation, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the flatulence has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the flatulence goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the flatulence is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such flatulence aren’t really lost, just delayed.

    How can one cover up a flatulation?

    There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odour of flatulence. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound… if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the flatulence. If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a flatulence. CJT addresses the problem of flatulating loudly in a public restroom as follows: "My solution: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your rear and it will muffle the flatulence; my friends and I call it the ‘Buff Muff’!" Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the flatulence as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.

    Is it really possible to ignite flatulations?

    The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their flatulence got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you want to try it, and you don’t have a friend to light your flatulence for you. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.

    Why is possible to burn flatulence?

    Flatulations burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Flatulations tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.

  • Rules for Men

    I’m not usually taken by these lists, but this one is an exception…

    Men

    1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
    2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
    3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
    4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
    5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
    6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
    7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
    8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
    9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
    10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
    11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
    12. Before dating a buddy’s "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
    13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
    14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see nothin’.
    15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
    16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
    17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
    18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
    19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.
    20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
    21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
    22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
    23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
      "Yeah, baby, push it!"
      "C’mon, give me one more! Harder!"
      "Another set and we can hit the showers."
      "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
    24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
    25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
    26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
    27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
    28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.
  • Joe and the Blind Date

    Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed" she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and they won a prize.

    Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

    The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

    Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How’d it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy!"