The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: White House

  • George Bush and the Queen

    George Bush is visiting the Queen Elizabeth of England.

    He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

    "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

    Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

    The Queen takes a sip of tea. Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.

    The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

    Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty…"

    The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

    Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

    "Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

    Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

    Dick, answer this for me.

    "Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?"

    "I’m not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

    Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.

    Finally, he ends up in the men’s room and recognizes Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall.

    Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Colin Powell yells back, "That’s easy. It’s me!"

    Dick Cheney smiles. Thanks!"

    Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

    Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Colin Powell."

    Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you moron! It’s Tony Blair!"

  • Saddam’s Coded Message

    After hearing numerous news reports saying "We don’t even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

    370HSSV-0773H.

    Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Powell and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service. Eventually they asked MI6 for help. They cabled the White House:


    "Tell the president he is looking at the message upside down…"

  • Dave Knows Everyone

    Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
    So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What’s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
    Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
    "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington." And off they go.
    At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
    "The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
    And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
    Working his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the fuck’s that on the balcony with Dave?"

  • Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy

    Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here’s the kicker… A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.