The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: wine

  • Finding Inner Peace

    I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me… and at this time of year we all could use a little …… calm!!! By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace…….. the article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started."

    So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished…. and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey’s, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

    You have no idea how fucking good I feel….

    You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace…

  • Studio Script Notes on “The Passion”

    Very funny satirical script notes written by Steve Martin (aka Stan) in The New Yorker March 5th

    From the New Yorker, The Back Page by Steve Martin

    STUDIO SCRIPT NOTES ON "THE PASSION"

    Dear Mel, We love, love the script! The ending works great. You’ll be getting a call from us to start negotiations for the book rights. -Love the Jesus character. So likable. He can’t seem to catch a break! We identify with him because of it. One thing: I think we need to clearly state "the rules." Why doesn’t he use his superpowers to save himself? Our creative people suggest that you could simply cut away to two spectators: SPECTATOR ONE Why doesn’t he use his superpowers to save himself? SPECTATOR TWO He can only use his powers to help others, never himself.

    -Does it matter which garden? Gethsemane is hard to say, and Eden is a much more recognizable garden. Just thinking out loud.

    -Our creative people suggest a clock visual fading in and out in certain scenes, like the Last Supper bit: "Thursday, 7:43 P.M.," or "Good Friday, 5:14 P.M."

    -Love the repetition of "Is it I?" Could be very funny. On the eighth inquiry, could Jesus just give a little look of exasperation into the camera? Breaks frame, but could be a riot.

    -Also, could he change water into wine in Last Supper scene? Would be a great moment, and it’s legit. History compression is a movie tradition and could really brighten up the scene. Great trailer moment, too.

    -Love the flaying.

    -Could the rabbis be Hispanic? There’s lots of hot Latino actors now, could give us a little zing at the box office. Research says there’s some historical justification for it. -Possible title change: "Lethal Passion." Kinda works. The more I say it out loud, the more I like it.

    -Is there someplace where Jesus could be using an iBook? You know, now that I say it, it sounds ridiculous. Strike that. But think about it. Maybe we start a shot in Heaven with Jesus thoughtfully closing the top? -Love the idea of Monica Bellucci as Mary Magdalene (yow!). Our creative people suggest a name change to Heather. Could skew our audience a little younger.

    -Love Judas. Such a great villain. Our creative people suggest that he’s a little complicated. Couldn’t he be one thing? Just bad? Gives the movie much more of a motor. Also, thirty pieces of silver is not going to get anyone excited. I think it’d be very simple to make him a "new millionaire." Bring in the cash on a tray. Great dilemma that the audience can identify with. -Minor spelling error: on page 18, in the description of the bystanders, there should be a space between the words "Jew" and "boy."

    -Merchandising issue: it seems the Cross image Has been done to death and is public domain-we can’t own it. Could the Crucifixion scene involve something else? A Toyota would be wrong, but maybe there’s a shape we can copyright, like a wagon wheel?

    -I’m assuming "The dialogue is in Aramaic" is a typo for "American." If not, call me on my cell, or I’m at home all weekend.

    By the way, I’m sending a group of staffers on a cruise to the North Pole, coincidentally around the time of your picture’s release. Would love to invite your dad!

    See you at the movies!

    Yours, Stan

  • Watch What You Eat

    For those of you who watch what you eat… here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

    3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

    4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

  • The Last Day of Kindergarten

    On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is–it’s some flowers!" "That’s right!" Shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is–it’s a box of candy!" "That’s right!" Shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" She asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" She asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"

  • Three Guys in a Bar

    Three guys go into a bar: a guy from Dallas, a guy from San Francisco, and a guy from Boulder. They drank and got a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, unscrewed the top, took a good swig, and threw the bottle into the air. He then jerked a Colt .45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody. The patrons at the bar shouted, "Hey, bud, why’d you waste that tequila?"
    The Texan said, "Heck, it’s just tequila. Us Texans go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want."
    Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked a bottle of wine. He poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed, commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped, tossed the bottle in the air, nicked it with a round from a silly little chrome-plated pistol, and showered a couple of patrons at the bar with wine.
    The patrons, upset by the casual waste and general lack of concern for their safety, expressed their displeasure and astonishment, to which the Californian replied, "Well, I’m from Napa Valley, and we have more than enough wine where I come from."
    The Boulderite, a quiet observer up to this point, touched the crystal hanging from his neck, adjusted his Birkenstocks, flipped back his ponytail, put down his guitar, and borrowed a bottle opener from the bartender. He popped the top off a bottle of Fat Tire beer, hammered it back, threw the empty bottle into the air, pulled a 9mm Beretta, took careful aim, shot both the Californian and the Texan, and caught the falling bottle.
    The patrons screamed in utter disbelief, "Why’d you do that?" 
    The Boulderite replied, "I’m from Colorado. We’ve already got too many Texans and way too many Californians, but glass bottles, now those can be recycled!"

  • How Yodelling Began

    Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?… Well, here ya’ go…. Back in the olden days, a man was travelling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house. Well as the story goes, the farmer’s daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?" "That’s some fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn." The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"? "Gee, no, I didn’t," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I’m going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all dishevelled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep. A little later, the farmer’s wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don’t know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn’t," said the farmer. The wife then said, "I’m going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed. The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where’s the man from the barn?", she eagerly asked her father. Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago." "What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me." "What?" shouted the father. The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I’m gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out, "ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!" And that’s how Yodelling began.

  • The Jewish Genie

    Better late than never… An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

    But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

    "I’m not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!"

    "What do you have to lose? It looks like you’re a goner anyway!"

    The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

    ***POOF***

    The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

    "OK, kid, what’s your second wish."

    "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

    ***POOF***

    The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

    "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

    After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."

    ***POOF***

    The Arab is turned into a tampon.

    The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there’s going to be a string attached.