A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual.
"You’re an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You’ll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you’d come in second."
"Why would I come in second?" the brow-beaten husband asked.
"Because you’re an idiot!"
George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night.
After the show, Oprah said, "George, if I’m not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."
She says okay. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. George says, "Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."
Oprah says, "Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you’re sleeping?" George replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a black woman, she stole my wallet."
The Japanese have invented the perfect woman robot. It has 5 buttons.
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were:
After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said… I’m sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it really reads… Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman.
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savour, massage, make plans, fix, empathise, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalise, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorise, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalise, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicise, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturise, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinise, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolise and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked. Bring Beer.
Two guys work in a morgue, and one of them tells the other one: "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks. Man, I’m tellin’ you, she had a clitoris like a pickle."
"What", the other asks, "green?"
"No", says the first, "sour."