The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: young lady

  • A Crusty Old Marine Sargeant Major

    A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and asked, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man".

    "Is something bothering you?"

    "Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature."

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action?"

    "Yes, ma’am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his very serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

    "1955," he replied.

    "Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it’s only 2130 now."

  • The White Haired Man and the Jewellery Store

    An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

    He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

    The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

    The old man aid, "I don’t think you understand, I want something very special."

    At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

    "Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said.

    The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

    The old man seeing this said, "We’ll take it."

    The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.

    "I know you will need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring late Monday afternoon," he said.

    Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man.

    "There’s no money in that account."

    "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I just had?"

  • The Password

    Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.

    One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was ‘DOME’ and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password.

    She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did.

    After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.

    "Well, what does it mean?" I asked.

    She hesitated and then replied, "It’s two words."

    There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day."

  • A New Zealander in Amsterdam

    Dave, a young New Zealand tourist on his first visit to Amsterdam, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

    Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, " No!" and quickly walks away. The Madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking young man has seemingly asked for something so outrageous that two of her prettiest girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that obviously only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

    Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn’t seem likely that at her stage of her career anything would surprise her.

    So the Madam sends her over to the young New Zealand client and watches for the response. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, PAL", smacks him across the face as hard as she can; and then literally runs away! The Madam is by now absolutely intrigued. She has seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management and believes she can remember a bit about what to do. She’s also sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this seemingly innocent looking man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she also sees the chance she can’t pass up to show off to her employees how good she used to be at what they now do under her supervision.

    So she goes over to Dave and says that she’s the best in the house and she, herself, is available. Her girls stop their entertaining and watch with great interest. She sits down with Dave and talks with him, spending the time to really discover more about the man within.. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and eventually she sits in his lap. And then Dave leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in New Zealand dollars?"

  • The Law As It Should Be

    The Law as it should be.

    After an evening at the Theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed attractive lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and remarked, "I’d give £50 to spend the night with that woman". To their surprise the young lady heard the remark and turned saying, "I’ll take you up on that". She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so, bidding his companion goodnight, the man accompanied the lady to her flat where they immediately went to bed. The following morning he dressed and presented her with 25 pounds and prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating "If you don’ t pay me the rest of the money I’ll sue you for it". He laughed saying "I’d like to see you get it on those grounds".

    The next morning he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his presence in court to defend a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained. His lawyer said "She can’t possibly get judgement against you on such grounds but it will be interesting to see how the case is presented".

    After the usual preliminaries the lady’s lawyer addressed the court thus: "Your Honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a secluded spot surrounded by shrubbery which she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of £50.

    The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for I the purpose for which it was rented, but on vacating the premises he paid only £25, one half of the agreed amount. The rent was not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask that judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.

    The defendant’s lawyer was much impressed and highly amused at the way his opponent had presented his case. His defence altered therefore, from the way he had originally planned to present it.

    "Your Honour", he said, “My client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a short while and a certain degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, and sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour being performed by him. We claim that these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount of’ the said property. We therefore ask that no judgement be granted".

    Not to be outdone, the young lady’s lawyer came back with this sally: "You Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property and that he did make such improvements as my learned friend has described. However, had the defendant not known a well existed he would never have rented the property. Also, on vacating the premises the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but also left the hole much bigger than it was prior to his occupation, making it easily accessible to little children.

    We therefore ask that judgement be given.

    And she got it!

  • The Cowboy and the Lesbian

    An old cowboy, dressed in a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink.

    As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

    After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    To which he replied, "Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences, so I reckon I am."

    After a short while, he asked her what she was.

    She replied, "I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV. Everything seems to make me think of women."

    A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

    A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.

  • The Cowboy

    An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

    After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

    After a short while he asked her what she was.

    "I’ve never been on a ranch so I know I’m not a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

    A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian."

  • Two Men from Texas

    Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began choking on a hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one Texan turned to the other and said, "Y’know, that little gal over yonder is havin’ a bad time. I’m a gonna go over there and help her."

    He sauntered over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

    With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and licked her on the butt. The young lady was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

    The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it’s sure amazin’ how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."