The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Young

  • Young New Doctor

    A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?

    The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Are her hiccups gone?"

  • Father and Young Son

    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

    He gives the young boy three penny coins to play with to keep him occupied.

    Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

    The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

    The boy coughs up 2 of the penny coins but is still choking.

    Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

    At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly… tighter and tighter !!!

    After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

    "No", the woman replied. "I’m with the Tax Department."

  • A Revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM)

    A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

    Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here’s the TRUE story…

    In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

    And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

    And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

    And Abraham did look at her – as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

    And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for
    sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)."

    Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

    To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

    It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

    But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham’s business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted – for insider trading.

    And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

    They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

    And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land and indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

    And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

    And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

    And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

    "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

    Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.

    It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

    And that is how it all began.

  • The Donkey Raffle

    Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, ‘Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’

    Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

    The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

    Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

    The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?

    Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

    The farmer said ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

    Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

    A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’

    Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’

    The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

    Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

    Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley & is contracted to the Federal Government.

  • A Young Scottish Lad and Lass

    A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
    For several minutes they sat silently.
    Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin’…….perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss."
    The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
    Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
    Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
    The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
    Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
    After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
    The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
    "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
    "Aye," said the lad, nodding.
    The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
    Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies ?"

  • A Very Pretty Young Speech Therapist

    A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said ‘If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?’

    The Englishman piped up. ‘B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham’, he said.

    ‘That’s no use, Trevor’ said the speech therapist, ‘Who’s next ?’

    The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out ‘P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley’.

    ‘That’s no better. There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish.

    How about you, Paddy?’ The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ‘London’.

    ‘Brilliant, Paddy’ said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

    After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said ‘-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry’

  • The Young Chinese Couple

    A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin also, but she doesn’t know that.

    On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

    ‘My darring,’ he whispers, ‘I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.

    I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want.

    You juss ask. Whatchu want?’ he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

    She eventually shyly whispers back, ‘I wanna try someting I hear about from the other girls… it called "NUMBAH 69!!".’

    More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

    Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her… ‘You want… a Garlic Chicken wif corrifrowa??’

  • The Young Monk

    A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

    He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

    The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

    He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

    So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

    "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

    His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What’s wrong, father?"

    With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was…

    CELEBRATE!!!"

  • What Women Want

    Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

    The question?….What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

    He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

    Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

    But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

    The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

    The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

    Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

    He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

    He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

    Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:

    What a woman really wants, she answered….is to be in charge of her own life.

    Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.

    And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

    The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

    The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

    Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?

    Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

    What would YOU do?

    What Lancelot chose is below. BUT….make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

    Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

    Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now….what is the moral to this story?

    The moral is….. If you don’t let a woman have her own way….things are going to get ugly.

  • A Young and Foolish Pilot

    A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

    So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

    Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

    The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"