The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • Jesus’ Dilemma

    An Irish man with a crooked back walks into a coffee shop and sees Jesus sitting in the corner reading the paper. He tells the waitress, "Please send Jesus a cup of coffee, on me." So the waitress takes Jesus a cup of coffee.

    Then an Arabic man with arthritis walks into the coffee shop and sees Jesus sitting in the corner. He says to the waitress "Send Jesus a muffin, on me." So the waitress sends Jesus a muffin.

    Finally an American man in a wheelchair rolls into the coffee shop and sees Jesus in the corner. He says to the waitress, "Tell Jesus I’ll cover his bill." So the waitress tells Jesus.

    As Jesus was leaving the coffee house he says to the Irish man, "Thank you for the free coffee. Be healed!" Jesus touches the man’s shoulder, and he was miraculously healed.

    Then Jesus went over to the Arabic man and said, "Thank you for the free muffin. Be healed!" Jesus lightly tapped the man’s shoulder, and he was healed.

    Then Jesus went over to the American man and said, "Thank you for covering my bill. Be healed!"

    As Jesus leaned over to touch him, the man yelled, "Don’t touch me man! I’m on workers comp!!"

  • Three Men in a Bar

    There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, "So what’s new in your life?"

    The other responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there’s someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus."

    The other man says, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach."

    The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what’s eating him. He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."

  • The Wedding Night

    The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals – a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

    The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

    The electrician decided to wire the bed – with alternating current, of course.

    The dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

    The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

    “DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN’T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I’M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE VASELINE!”

  • Aussie Help Line

    "G’day mate, Aussie Helpline… What’s the problem, cobber?"

    "I’m in Darwin with my sheila, and she’s been stung on her pussy by a wasp, and now it has completely closed up."

    "Bummer mate!"

    "Thanks mate, I hadn’t thought of that, Bye."

  • Prime Minister Rudd

    Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Canberra nursing home.

    The Prime Minister begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn’t seem to notice him.

    Sensing this, Prime Minister Rudd backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"

    The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."

  • Randy the Rooster

    A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

    The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

    WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he’s been on every animal on the farm.

    The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day.

    Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

    The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

    Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they’re getting closer." 

     


     

  • A Man on a Beach

    A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals. The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"

    The man said, "Nothing, it’s just a bird, now go away!"

    The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excruciating pain."

    Where the hell am I?"

    A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over."

    "Well, what the hell happened to me?"

    "We don’t know, son.

    Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?"

    The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep."

    The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was still there, and she was.

    The person said, "Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier?"

    "Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me.

    So, I wrung its neck,broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

  • Surgeons

    Four surgeons were sitting around discussing whom they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is colour-coded. The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable."

  • The Father

    There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied, "This old motor is still a’ running."

    Next next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl. The old man replied, "This old motor is still a’ running."

    The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again, "This old motor is still a’ running.’"

    And the doctor said, "Yeah but you better get your oil changed because this one is black."

  • A Very Successful Attorney

    A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door.

    Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

    Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions,  the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

    After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant,  the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

    "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

    The cop replied, "Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

    "OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

    "My Rolex !!"