The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • The Password

    A woman is helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer. She instructs him to choose and enter a password he wants to use, when logging on.

    The husband, in a rather amorous mood, figures he will try for a shock effect to bring his mood to his wife’s attention. So when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in the word, “PENIS”.

    His wife nearly falls off the he chair from laughing so hard, when the computer replies:

    ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.***

  • Drunk

    This bloke had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the bloke stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

    Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

    When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

    He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you’ve been out drinking again!"

    "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

    "The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again."

  • Leviticus

    For those who haven’t heard, Washington State has passed both laws – gay marriage and legalised marijuana.

    The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

    We just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before!

  • Bill Clinton and the Pope

    Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?"

    The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now. There’s one thing up there I have been looking forward to."

    Bill asks, "What is that?"

    The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary."

    Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."

  • God’s First Name

    This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter is standing at the gate. He says, "If you can answer these three questions I will let you in to heaven. First, how many seconds are in a year? Second, how many days of the week have a ‘T’ in them? Third, what is God’s first name? You have until tomorrow to answer these questions."


    The guy comes back the next day, St. Peter asks the first question and the guy says, "Twelve." "Twelve?" says St. Peter, "how did you get that?" The man replied, "January 2nd, February 2nd and so on." Peter thinks it over and says, "Well that is not exactly what I meant, but it’s technically correct, so I will give you credit."


    Then St. Peter asks the second question and the guy answers, "Two." St. Peter asks how he got that answer and the man explains, "Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter again admit that wasn’t what he had in mind, but he’ll accept that.


    Peter then asked the third question — God’s first name. The man says, "Howard. " St. Peter, really perplexed, inquires how the guy got that and the man says, "You know — it’s in the prayer: ‘Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name…’"

  • The Grizzly

    While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

    Just one shot to my boyfriend’s knee cap was all it took… .the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

    It’s one of the best pistols in my collection…

  • Jet Black

    Walt Disney’s new film called "Jet Black", the non-racist version of "Snow White", has been put on hold…

    All seven dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Hijacker, Liar, Cheater, & User have refused to sing "Hi Ho", and they say they definitely have NO intention of singing " It’s off to work we go…"

  • Calvin

    Apparently, one in five people in the world is Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I’m pretty sure it’s Calvin.

  • Apples

    A man had an idea that could make him rich. After it was perfected he brought it to an inventors’ help group.

    When asked what his great invention was, he pulled out an apple. The group looked at it and started laughing. The inventor said, "You don’t understand! Taste it."

    A volunteer tried it and said, "Mmmmmmm, tastes like peaches."

    The inventor said, "Flip it over."

    He flipped it over and took another chunk of the apple. "Mmmmmmmm, tastes like grapes."

    The inventor offered a new apple and the volunteer said, "What does it taste like?"

    "Pussy," said the inventor.

    The guy bit into it, and spit it out with an awful look on his face and shouted, "That tasted like ass!"

    The inventor winked and said, "Flip it over."

  • Lovers

    Three women talk about their husband’s performance as lovers.

    The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counsellor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."

    The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."

    The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it."