Author: Grime

  • At Church

    A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mummy" she said "Can we leave now?"

    "No" her mother replied.

    "Well, I think I have to throw up!"

    "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

    In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

    "Yes" the little girl replied.

    "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

    "I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mummy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says for the sick."

  • Close Shave

    A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

    The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

    "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

  • The Fundamentalist Christian Dog

    This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specialising in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well.

    This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about normal tricks. "Well," they said, "lets try this out." Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

    Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

  • Mitt Romney and Barack Obama

    Mitt Romney and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

    As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
      
    As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Romney in his chair reached for the aftershave.

    Romney was quick to stop him saying, ‘No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.’
        
    The second barber turned to Obama and said, ‘How about you sir ?’

    Obama replied, ‘Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’

  • An Irishman and a Chemist

    An Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
    He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
    "Could you taste this for me, please?"
    The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. It tasted unpleasant.
    "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
    "No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.
    "Oh that’s a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tasted for sugar."

  • Where did “Piss Poor” come from?

    This is mostly bunkum but it makes for a good read.
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    Where did "piss poor" come from?

    If you’re young and hip, this is still interesting.

    Us older people need to learn something new every day…

    Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

    Where did "Piss Poor" come from? Interesting history.

    They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.

    And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery…

    If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".

    But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot…

    They "didn’t have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

    The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

    Here are some facts about the 1500’s

    Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

    And they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

    Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

    Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

    The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

    Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

    Last of all the babies.

    By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it, hence the saying, "Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!"

    Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

    It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

    When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof, hence the saying, "It’s raining cats and dogs."

    There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

    This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.

    Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

    That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

    The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

    Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing..

    As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

    In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

    Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

    Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

    Hence the rhyme:

    “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

    Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

    When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

    It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

    They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

    Those with money had plates made of pewter.

    Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

    This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

    Bread was divided according to status..

    Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,

    And guests got the top, or the upper crust.

    Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.

    The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.

    Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.

    They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up, hence the custom; “holding a wake."

    England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

    So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.

    When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had ben burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

    Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell" or was considered "a dead ringer."

    And that’s the truth 😉

  • The Psychology Prac

    It was a practical session in the psychology class. The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage. Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on side and kept a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it. Then, the professor changed the cake and kept some bread. The male rat ran towards the bread. This experiment went… on with the professor changing the food every time. And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat. Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.

    Then, one of the students from the back rows said:-"Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? She may be his wife!!"

  • Aussie Bush Etiquette

    I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time. This may be of especial interest to my many dedicated UK readers, who will no doubt be greatly reassured by the knowledge that we are maintaining social etiquette out here in the colonies…
     
    In General:

    • Never take an open stubby to a job interview…
    • Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
    • It’s tacky to take an Esky to church.
    • If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
    • Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

    Eating Out:

    • When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
    •  If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

    Entertaining at Home:

    • A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
    • Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

    Personal Hygiene:

    • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN ute keys.
    • Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
    • Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
    • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

    Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

    • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
    • Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen..  Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

    Weddings:

    • Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    • For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance..
    • Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

    Driving Etiquette:

    • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight.
    • When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.
    • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    • When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
  • The Muscular Man

    A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

    The bartender can’t help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

    The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"
    The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

    "No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. "Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

    "Keep going!"

    I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

    She said, "You now have three wishes."

    I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

    She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

    She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

    "What next?" begged the bartender.

    I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

    Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

    I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

  • Lee Trevino

    One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas,
    Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did. A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked,
    " Excuse me, do you speak English ?" Lee responded, " Yes Ma’am, I do "
    The lady then asked, " What do you charge to do yard work ? " Lee said, " Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her ".

    The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.