The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • The Talking Parrot

    This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking.

    The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."
    The guy bought the bird and took it home. Next day, the guy was back in the pet store to complain. The bird hadn’t said a word.

    The pet store manager said, "That’s not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.

    Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.

    And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn’t said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said,
    "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk,
    so he reluctantly purchased the bell.

    Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he’d have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn’t talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn’t have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.

    You guessed.

    Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead."What happened! Didn’t the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner.

    "Yep. Right before he died it said, ‘Don’t they sell any bloody birdseed at that pet store?’"

  • Harry

    Harry answers the telephone and it’s an Emergency Room doctor.

    The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, & I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms & both legs, & will need help eating & going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

    Harry says, "My God. What’s the good news?"

    The doctor says, "I’m kidding. She’s dead."

  • The UPS Man

    One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.  His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

    "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.  Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.  We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.  Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I.

    "The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

    "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet.  Then the women try to guess who it is."

    The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I’m sorry I missed that."

    "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven times…"

  • Dear Dogs and Cats…

    Dear Dogs and Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

    To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

    To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

    1. They live here. You don’t.
    2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it ‘fur’nature.)
    3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

    4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

    Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
    1. Eat less
    2. Don’t ask for money all the time
    3. Are easier to train
    4. Normally come when called (well, OK, the cat thinks about it)
    5. Never ask to drive the car
    6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
    7. Don’t smoke or drink

    8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
    9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
    10. Don’t need a ‘gazillion’ dollar for college.

    And finally,
    11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

  • Parent’s Position Available

    POSITION:

    Parent

    JOB DESCRIPTION:

    Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

    RESPONSIBILITIES:

    The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

    POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

    None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

    PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

    None required. On-the-job training offered on a continual basis.

    WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

    Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them (!) become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more..

    BENEFITS:

    While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

    There is no retirement plan.

  • Castaways

    A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

    Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She’s also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

    He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

    Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They’ve set up a hut, there’s fruit on the trees, and they’re in heaven. Cindy’s fallen madly in love with our man, and they’re making passionate love morning, noon and night.

    Alas, one day she notices he’s looking kind of glum.

    "What’s the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I’m in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

    He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"

    "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

    "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

    "Sure, honey, if it’s really going to make you feel better," she says.

    "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

    "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

    Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

    She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!"

  • In the Beginning

    In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

    Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, ‘You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, ‘Yes!’ And Woman said, ‘I’ll have one too with chocolate chips’. And so they gained 10 pounds.

    And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

    And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

    So God said, ‘Try my fresh green salad’. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

    God then said ‘I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them’.

    And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

    Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

    Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

    And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

    Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

    And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said ‘You want fries with that?’ and Man replied, ‘Yes, and super size ’em’. And Satan said, ‘It is good.’ And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

    God sighed ……… and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

    And then ………… Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

  • Saint Nancy Pelosi

    On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

    He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint..

    The Cardinal replied, "No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views."

    Pelosi’s aide then said, "Look. I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint" The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon." As Pelosi’s aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present. Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation — "While Speaker Pelosi ‘s presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted."

    The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid , and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint.

  • The Donkey Raffle

    Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, ‘Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’

    Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

    The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

    Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

    The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?

    Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

    The farmer said ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

    Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

    A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’

    Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’

    The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

    Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

    Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley & is contracted to the Federal Government.

  • The First Night of their Honeymoon

    A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, ‘What’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

    ‘I had tolio as a child,’ he answered.

    ‘You mean polio?’ she asked.

    ‘No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.’

    When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked ‘What’s wrong with your knees? They’re all lumpy and deformed!’

    ‘As a child, I also had kneasles,’ he explained.

    ‘You mean measles?’ she asked.

    ‘No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.’

    The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

    As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

    ‘Don’t tell me,’ she said. ‘Let me guess…

    Smallcox?’