The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • “Sex” Frogs

    A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex" Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

    The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I’ll take one."

    The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do.

    1. Take a shower.
    2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
    3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
    4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down "there".

    She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.

    She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over."

    Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

    The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me closely frog, I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!

  • “I’m Going to the Doctor”

    This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat.
    His wife says, "Where are you going?"
    He said, "I’m going to the doctor."
    And she said, "Are you sick?"
    "No" he said, "I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
    So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
    He said," Where are you going?"
    She said, "I’m going to the doctor, too."
    He said, "Why?"
    She said, "If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get me a tetanus shot.

  • The Pregnancy Test

    A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive.

    Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

    Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

    "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

    Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
    However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

    At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,

    "You’ll do her again."

  • The “Kiwis Are Not Stupid” Convention

    50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.

    Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."

    Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to The stage.

    Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"

    After fufteen or twunty seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"

    Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

    Helen says, "Well sunce we’ve gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of You un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."

    So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"

    After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

    Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh – everyone is disheartened.

    Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

    Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, Eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance…What uz two plus two?"

    Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

    Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump To their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream…

    "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

  • The Midget with the Speech Impediment

    A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he is sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

    "That’s easy, he is a midget with a speech impediment."

    So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he is looking for a male or a female horse.

    "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

    "Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"

    So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

    "Nithe eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

    So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

    "Nithe earzth, can I see her mouf"?

    The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

    "Nithe mouf, can I see her twat"?

    Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s vagina, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

    The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

  • Four Men and Their Cats

    Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

    To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

    But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

    But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

    Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back whilst doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

  • The Man and the Sheep

    A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep.

    His wife is reading in bed. The man says, "This is the pig that I screw when you’ve got a headache".

    His wife retorts, "I think you’ll find that THAT is a sheep."

    The man replies, "I think you’ll find that I was talking to the sheep

  • 1-2-3-4

    A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

    He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

    The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

    Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123,’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

    The guy then asks, "What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?"

    The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."

    The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.

    That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most gigantic erection ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

    His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say ‘123’ for?

  • The 50th Wedding Anniversary

    A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.

    "Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one . . . "Sorry I’m running late . . . had an emergency, you know how it is, didn’t have time to get you both a present."

    "Not to worry," said the dad . . "The important thing is that we’re all together today."

    Son number two arrived and announced, "You and mom still look great dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn’t have time to get you a present . . . sorry."

    "It’s nothing," said the father, "glad you were able to be here."

    Just then, the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was busy packing….so I didn’t have time to get you guys anything.

    Again, the father said, "I really don’t care. At least the five of us are together today."

    During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there’s something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well . . . your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other . . .never got around to getting married."

    The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we’re bastards?"

    "Yep," said the dad . . . "and cheap ones too!

  • The Escapee

    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in 20 years.

    "I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

    To which the wife responds: "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"