The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • Watch What You Eat

    For those of you who watch what you eat… here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

    3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

    4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

  • Telecom Call Centre

    This is apparently a true story which happened in the Telecom Call Centre in Lower Hutt (just north of Wellington, New Zealand). The operator received a call from a somewhat irate and very worried Pacific Islander who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance.

    The call went like this:

    Telecom: How may we help you?

    Customer: I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife, she think I haffing an affair!

    Telecom: Okay sir, and how can we help you with this?

    Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman but I never heard off her before. I need to trace these calls please.

    Telecom: Sir, I’m sorry but the bill won’t actually tell you the name of the person you’re calling, just their number.

    Customer: This one iss.

    Telecom: What phone do you have sir?

    Customer: A mobile. I tell you this.

    Telecom: No sir, what make? What do you have in your hands?

    Customer: An erection.

    After a moment’s silence, the gallant Telecom worker continued:

    Telecom: Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

    Customer: For sure – E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. Erection.

    Another moment’s silence from Telecom and suddenly the penny dropped.

    Telecom: Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?

    Customer: For sure. C..E..L..L..U..L..A…R. Salulah.

    The end of the conversation was unfortunately reported.

  • The Twelve Monks

    Ask not for whom the bell tolls… IT TOLLS FOR THEE!

    Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the monks until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell…

    And then… all the other bells started to ring…

  • The Travelling Salesman

    A travelling salesman is going through the country when his car breaks down. He goes to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone.

    The farmer tells him, "We ain’t got a phone, but I’m headin’ into town tomorrow an’ you kin spend the night here. O’ course you’ll have to sleep in the same bed as my three sons, here."

    And the salesman says, "Wait a minute. I’m in the wrong joke."

  • The Matador Special of the Day

    A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called "The Matador".

    As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer. The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires. "That is the Matador Special" replies the waiter. "Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!"

    "That’s what I’ll have!", says the businessman.

    "I’m very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day".

    Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day.

    So again, the next day he goes to the bull fights, and afterwards stops into the dive. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the "Matador Special" to another customer who was there before him.

    "Damn!" he says to himself. "And tomorrow’s my last day here."

    So the next day, he skips the bull fight, and stands in line at the cafe. He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims, "I’ll have the Matador Special!"

    "Very well, senor!" responds the waiter. Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small. Very small, as a matter of fact.

    "What’s with this!" the now angry man shouts.

    "I’m very sorry, senor" said the waiter, "but the bull does not always lose!"

  • Dihydrogen Monoxide

    A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

    And for plenty of good reasons, since:

    1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
    2. it is a major component in acid rain
    3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
    4. accidental inhalation can kill you
    5. it contributes to erosion
    6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
    7. it has been found in tumours of terminal cancer patients

    He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

    Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

    The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

    He feels the conclusion is obvious.

  • A Little Old Lady’s Groceries

    A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said

    "I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

    The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

    The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit."

    The little old lady said, "It is!. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

  • Bill Gates and Me

    I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

    I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

    Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favour."

    "Yes?"

    "I’m sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I’m waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, ‘Hi, Ray,’?"

    "Sure."

    I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

    About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

    A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

    "Hi, Ray," he said.

    I replied, "Buzz off, Gates, I’m in a meeting."

  • Raising Money for the Church

    A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

    However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS

    The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

    The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00 This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

    The Bishop was buried the next day.

  • Questions by Attorneys

    Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

    "Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?"

    "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

    "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

    "Were you alone or by yourself?"

    "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

    "Did he kill you?"

    "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

    "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

    "How many times have you committed suicide?"

    Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

    Q: "She had three children, right?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "How many were boys?"

    A: "None."

    Q: "Were there any girls?"

    Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

    Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?

    A: "I went to Europe, sir."

    Q: "And you took your new wife?"

    Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"

    A: "By death."

    Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

    Q: "Can you describe the individual?"

    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

    Q: "Was this a male or female?"

    Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

    Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

    Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"

    A: "Oral."

    Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."

    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

    A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

    Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"

    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

    Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

    A: "I have been since early childhood."

    Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."