A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don’t want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won’t tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there’s no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there’s no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really fuck, I’ll have nothing left to live for."
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is–it’s some flowers!" "That’s right!" Shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is–it’s a box of candy!" "That’s right!" Shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" She asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" She asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil haf ze vorld!
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both ‘bloody wankers".
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
The Law as it should be.
After an evening at the Theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed attractive lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and remarked, "I’d give £50 to spend the night with that woman". To their surprise the young lady heard the remark and turned saying, "I’ll take you up on that". She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so, bidding his companion goodnight, the man accompanied the lady to her flat where they immediately went to bed. The following morning he dressed and presented her with 25 pounds and prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating "If you don’ t pay me the rest of the money I’ll sue you for it". He laughed saying "I’d like to see you get it on those grounds".
The next morning he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his presence in court to defend a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained. His lawyer said "She can’t possibly get judgement against you on such grounds but it will be interesting to see how the case is presented".
After the usual preliminaries the lady’s lawyer addressed the court thus: "Your Honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a secluded spot surrounded by shrubbery which she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of £50.
The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for I the purpose for which it was rented, but on vacating the premises he paid only £25, one half of the agreed amount. The rent was not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask that judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.
The defendant’s lawyer was much impressed and highly amused at the way his opponent had presented his case. His defence altered therefore, from the way he had originally planned to present it.
"Your Honour", he said, “My client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a short while and a certain degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, and sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour being performed by him. We claim that these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount of’ the said property. We therefore ask that no judgement be granted".
Not to be outdone, the young lady’s lawyer came back with this sally: "You Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property and that he did make such improvements as my learned friend has described. However, had the defendant not known a well existed he would never have rented the property. Also, on vacating the premises the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but also left the hole much bigger than it was prior to his occupation, making it easily accessible to little children.
We therefore ask that judgement be given.
And she got it!
A blonde goes into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don’t have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland." To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes…anything!" With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does!! He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go ahead… Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It’s not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, little girl, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won’t tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly," I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
A group on nuns were travelling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it.
Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled.
The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn’t use such language."
"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.
"Please, don’t use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn’t help us."
"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like ‘Sweet Jesus, help me’".
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped.
He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.
The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"