The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • First Sex

    Simon pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he’d first had sex.

    "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Simon recalled.

    "That sounds wonderful," said Brian.

    "Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

    "Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

    "Baaaaaaa."

  • The Hangover

    A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can’t remember anything he did last night. 

    He picks up his robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there’s something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. 

    He thinks, "Bloody hell what happened last night??" 

    He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks, "What happened last night? Who was I with? Must have been a wild party."

    He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there’s a god, please let this be a teabag."

  • The Chilli Cookoff

    Just recently I was honoured to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my community to be a judge at a Chilli cookoff because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy, and they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this great offer.

    I was judge number three. Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chilli #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

    JUDGE 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
    JUDGE 3: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

    Chilli #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chilli

    JUDGE 1: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE 2: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    JUDGE 3: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

    Chilli #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli.

    JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE 2: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    JUDGE 3: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally". Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift".

    Chilli #4: Bubba’s Black Magic

    JUDGE 1: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE 2: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or some other mild food; not much of a chilli.
    JUDGE 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled – it’s kind of cute.

    Chilli #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE 2: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    JUDGE 3: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

    Chilli #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    JUDGE 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

    Chilli #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chilli

    JUDGE 1: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers at the last minute. I should note that I am worried about JUDGE #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
    JUDGE 3: You could throw a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they’ll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late! I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.

    Chilli #8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chilli

    JUDGE 1: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when JUDGE #3 fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.
    JUDGE 2: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    JUDGE 3: Momma?

  • The Duck

    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you’re a duck!"
    "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
    "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
    "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Can I have my beer and sandwich now, please?"
    "Certainly," says the landlord. "I’m sorry about that – it’s just that we don’t get too many ducks in this pub, especially ones that can talk. What are you doing round this way?"
    "I’m working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You’re with the circus, aren’t you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, he drinks beer….. he’s amazing!"
    "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster. "Get him to give me a call."
    The next day, the duck comes into the pub for lunch. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money!"
    "Yeah? Sounds great. Where is it?" asks the duck.
    "At the circus," says the landlord.
    "The circus?"
    "That’s right."
    "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
    "That’s right!" says the landlord.
    The duck looks confused, and asks "What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?"

  • The Jamaican

    A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy. 

    After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack’s "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. 

    As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he’d bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. 

    "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy." 

    "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say ‘WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.’"

  • New Technology

    A threesome comprised of an American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left pinky finger to his mouth, and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says, "Oh, this is the latest American technology in cellular phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my pinky and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?" They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah, the wonders of German superior know-how!" At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each- other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles, with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his behind. "What on earth are you doing?" asks the American. The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax."

  • The Starter’s Pistol

    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself."

    That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter’s pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. Much to his delight, he discovers his wife is in bed, naked and waiting for him. As the two begin, they find themselves in the ’69’ position. The man, moments later, feels the building urge to unload. In order to startle himself, he fires the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

    "Not so good, doc. When I fired the pistol, my wife shat on my face, bit 3 inches off my cock and the mailman came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

  • Rules that Guys Wish Girls Knew

    1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 
    2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down. 
    3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 
    4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 
    5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear. 
    6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 
    7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 
    8. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 
    9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 
    10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 
    11. You have enough clothes. 
    12. You have too many shoes. 
    13. Crying is blackmail. 
    14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 
    15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 
    16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 
    17. Yes, urinating standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes. 
    18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 
    19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 
    20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 
    21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 
    22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 
    23. Check your oil. 
    24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. 
    25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 
    26. No, it does not matter which quiz. 
    27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 
    28. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys. 
    29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 
    30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic. 
    31. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out. 
    32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. 
    33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 
    34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 
    35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 
    36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. 
    37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 
    38. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a colour. 
    39. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 
    40. If it itches, it will be scratched. 
    41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 
    42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. 
    43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 
    44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 
    45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her,together. 
    46. What the hell is a doily?

  • Beer Warnings

    Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you can’t remember).

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more attractive, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Franz.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

  • Texas

    May 30th

    Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

    June 14th

    Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.

    June 30th

    Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

    July 10th

    The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it’s not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

    July 15th

    Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

    July 20th

    I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!

    July 25th

    Dry God Damn heat, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz, and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

    July 30th

    Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Fifteen hundred dollars in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

    Aug 4th

    One hundred and fifteen degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this fuckin’ state.

    Aug 8th

    If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I’m going to tear his Fucking throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted FUCKING Garfield!

    Aug 10th

    The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to fuck for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the fucking pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat. What the Fuck!?

    Aug 14th

    Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the fucking windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

    Aug 30th

    Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The fucking monsoon rains finally came and all they did is make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we’re moving back to California for some peace and quiet.