The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • Stopped by Police at Midnight

    A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

    “I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

    The policeman asks, “Really?

    And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

    “My wife”, comes the reply.

  • When I was Considerably Younger

    A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home.

    I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

    She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster.  Champagne ..

    I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

    "No," she replied. "but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight."

    "Bon appetit", I said…

  • Playing Golf at St. Andrews

    This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off andhe proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better,even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.

    He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee,and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.

    Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you’re lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you’ve played today, I think you can make it."

    So the guy takes a look and sees that it’s a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

    Years go by and the man can’t forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do – Face his nightmare!

    He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews,and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole,he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

    As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you’ve been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."

    The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin’ mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied!

  • What is a Paraprosdokian?

    A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

    • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
    • If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
    • We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
    • War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
    • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
    • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    • Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
    • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
    • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
    • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
    • Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
    • I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
    • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
    • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:", I put, "DOCTOR." 
    • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
    • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 
    • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
    • I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
    • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
    • There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
    • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
    • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
    • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
    • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
    • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
    • If you are supposed to learn from your mis

  • On a Chain of Beautiful Deserted Islands…

    On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

    • Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
    • Two French men and one French woman.
    • Two German men and one German woman.
    • Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
    • Two British men and one British woman.
    • Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
    • Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
    • Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
    • Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
    • Two Canadian men and one Canadian woman.

    One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

    • One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
    • The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage à trois.
    • The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
    • The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
    • The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
    • The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
    • The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
    • The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
    • The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.
    • The two Canadian men are contemplating suicide, because the Canadian woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

  • The Professional Gambler at the Bar

    A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "No problem sir, but I’ll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I’m a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy.

    "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $100", said the man.

    With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".

    The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you’re on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

    The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!". The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That’s OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 that I could piss all over you AND the bar AND still make you laugh!".

  • Proof that 2 equals 1 from Omni Magazine

    (1) X=Y ; Given
    (2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
    (3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
    (4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
    (5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
    (6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1

  • Paddy and Mick

    Paddy is passing by Mick’s hay shed one day when through a gap in  the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

    Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the  left.
     
    He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips  over his corduroy trousers .
     
    Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

    "What on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.

    "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Mick.  "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! "

  • A Man with no Arms

    There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.  He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of things that took two arms. 
     
    One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.  He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.  He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.  
     
    He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life. 
     
    He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. 

    The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. 
     
    He asked, ‘Why are you so happy anyway?’ 
     
    He said, ‘I’m NOT happy. My balls are itchy

  • The Difference Between Aussies, Americans, Canadians and Brits

    Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
    Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
    Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
    Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

    Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
    Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
    Americans: Believe that people should take care of themselves.
    Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.

    Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
    Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to their country.
    Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, so they can’t be bothered to sing them.
    Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

    Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
    Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
    Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
    Aussies: Export all their crappy programs to Britain, where everybody loves them.

    Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
    Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
    Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, more hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice playing baseball.
    Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they’ve ever played.

    Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
    Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
    Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
    Aussies: Add "G’day", "mate" and put a heavy accent to every
    word to sound cool.

    Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
    Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they also live on an Island.
    Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping for gas, & liquor.
    Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping for gas, & liquor.

    Americans: Love cold, bad-tasting beer.
    Canadians: Love strong, bad-tasting beer.
    Brits: Love warm, bad-tasting beer.
    Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

    Americans: Think that poverty & failure are morally wrong.
    Canadians: Think that wealth and success are morally wrong.
    Brits: Think that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited rights.
    Aussies: Think that none of this matters after several beers.