The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • Nymphomaniac

    A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport ‘s Terminal 5 for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
    He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.
     
    ‘Hello’, he blurted out, ‘Business trip or vacation?’

    She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, ‘Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .’

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ‘What’s your business role at this convention?’
    ‘Lecturer,’ she responded. ‘I use my experience to debunk some of the popular 20 myths about sexuality.’

    ‘Really’, he smiled, ‘what myths are those?’

    ‘Well,’ she explained, ‘one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.’
     
    Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said ‘I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!’
     
    ‘Tonto,’ the man said. ‘Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.

  • Car Air Conditioning

    The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

    On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

    The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti- Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords.

    They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show — Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

  • Fried Chicken

    Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

    Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

    I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

    Guess where I am now?

  • Cajan Fish

    A Louisiana Cajun was stopped by a game warden because he had two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a bayou, well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"


    "Naw, sir," replied the Cajun. "I ain’t got none of dem there licenses. You gotta unnerstan’, dese here are my pet fish."

    "Pet fish?"

    "Yeah. Evry night, I take dese here fish down to de lake and let ’em swim ’round for ‘while. Den, when I whistle, dey jump right back into dis here ice chests and I take ’em home."

    "That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that."

    The Cajun looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It’s de truth Mr. Government Man. I’ll show ya. It really works."

    "Okay," said the warden. "I’ve got to see this!"

    The Cajun poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

    "Well, what?" says the Cajun.

    The warden says, "When are you going to call the fish back?"

    "What fish?" replied the Cajun.

  • The Old Prospector

    An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
     
    The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.  As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
     
    The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance… never really wanted to."

    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,  "Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man’s feet.
     
    The old prospector –not wanting to get a toe blown off– started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

    When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
     
    The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
     
    The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

    The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
     
    The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.
     
    The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. 

    The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule’s ass?"

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir….. but… I’ve always wanted to."
     
    There are a few lessons for us all here:

    • Never be arrogant.
    • Don’t waste ammunition.
    • Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
    • Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
    • Don’t mess with old men! They didn’t get old by being stupid.

  • A Story With a Moral

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. Next day in school, the kids, each in turn, began to tell their stories.

    ‘Janie, do you have a story to share?’

    ‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’

    ‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?’
     
    ‘Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.’

  • Three Blondes in Heaven

    Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

    The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

    The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

    The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having the Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder … "

    St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

    Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

  • Little Johnny and the new Baby

    Little Johnnie’s neighbour had a baby.


    Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

    When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby.

    Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

    His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

    Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

    When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

    The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie

    Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

    "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

    "That’s great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses".

  • His Wife’s Graveside Service

    His wife’s graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. 

    The little, old man looked at the  pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there’. 

  • Catholic Honeymoon

    On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

    When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, ‘It’s Lent.’

    In tears, she sobbed, ‘Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?’