The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • The Honeymoon’s Over

    A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

    "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…"

    Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language…things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please mama!"

    "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

    "Please don’t make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!"

    "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset….Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

    Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama…words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK…!"

  • Vampire Bats

    Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city.

    One night, one said to a another, “I’m so hungry. I’m going to go get something.”

    “No don’t! We have to wait for the others!”

    “I don’t care.” And off he went.

    About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood.

    The other vampire bat asked, “WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?”

    “You really want to see?” asked the bloody one. “Follow me.”

    So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, “Do you see that building?”

    “Yes,” came the reply.

    To that the first says, “Well, I didn’t.”

     

     

  • An Old Arch-Bishop

    An old arch-bishop lay dying. He sent a message for Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the arch-bishop held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

    The arch-bishop grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything, both Gillard and Abbott were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the arch-bishop had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

    Finally, Gillard asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old arch-bishop mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go."

  • The Indian Actor

    There was once an Indian actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and could no longer remember his lines! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theatre in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

    The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line : "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

    The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again.

    Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line: "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

    The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You old fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

    The Indian actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I mess up my line?"

    "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

  • Logic

    Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.


    The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

    Pat: – I reckon he’s an accountant.

    Seamus: – No way – he’s a stockbroker.

    Pat: – He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!

    The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

    On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

    Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

    Pat: – ‘Scuse me…. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

    Suit: – No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession

    Pat: – Oh? What’s that then?

    Suit: – I’ll try to explain by example …… Do you have a goldfish at home?

    Pat: – Er … mmm ………. well yeah, I do as it happens!

    Suit: – Well, it’s logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

    Pat: – It’s in a pond!

    Suit: – Well it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

    Pat: – As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

    Suit: – Well then it’s logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

    Pat: – As it happens I’ve got a five bedroom house… built it myself!

    Suit: – Well given that you’ve built a five bedroom house it’s logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

    Pat: – Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

    Suit: – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

    Pat: – Yep! Five times a week!

    Suit: – Well then it is logical to suggest that you don’t masturbate very often?

    Pat: – Do what? Not me, mate!

    Suit: – Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!

    Pat: – How’s that then?

    Suit: – Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!

    Pat: – I see! That’s pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

    Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

    Seamus: – I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

    Pat: – Yep! He’s a logical scientist!

    Seamus: – What’s that then?

    Pat: – I’ll try and explain.. Do you have a goldfish?

    Seamus: – Nope

    Pat: – Well then, you’re a wanker.

  • Debbie Jones

    A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

    The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?"

    The mother says, "It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

    The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, – "Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess."

    The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can’t be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"

    Debbie says, "No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man, I’m still a virgin!"

    The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it. About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

    The doctor replies, "No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it this time!"

  • The Hammer

    The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

    A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

    The judge says, "You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

    The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

    The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

    Paddy stands up and says, "I’m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that arse hole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one."

  • Boots

    A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.

    The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

    The cowboy grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

    The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

    The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

    Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

    "Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

  • The Bedouin and the Ventriloquist

    An American ventriloquist visiting Saudi Arabia walks Into a small village and sees a Bedouin (villager) sitting outside his tent patting his sheep dog. 

    He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Saudi  ‘Salaam, mind if I talk to your dog?’ 

    Bedouin: ‘The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid American.’

    Ventriloquist: ‘Hello dog, how’s it going ?’

    Dog: ‘Yeah, doin’ all right.’ 

    Bedouin: (look of extreme shock) 

    Ventriloquist: ‘Is this Bedouin your owner?’  (pointing at the Villager)

    Dog: ‘Yep’ 

    Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’ 

    Dog: ‘Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me Great food And takes me to the wadi (lake) once a week to play.’ 

    Bedouin: (look of utter disbelief)

    Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your horse?’

    Bedouin: ‘Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think.’ 

    Ventriloquist: ‘Hey horse, how’s it going?’

    Horse: ‘Cool’

    Bedouin: (absolutely dumbfounded) 

    Ventriloquist: ‘Is this your owner?’  (Pointing at the villager) 

    Horse: ‘Yep’

    Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? 

    Horse: ‘Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the tent to protect me from hot sun.’

    Bedouin: (total look of amazement) 

    Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your sheep?’

    Bedouin: (in a panic) "No no! The sheep’s a bloody liar!!"

  • The Romantic Wife

    A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are  sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If  you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"

     

    The husband replied: "I’m taking a dump. Please advise."