The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • The Work Poop

    We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2012 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

    ESCAPEE.
    Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
    Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH.
    Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME.
    Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
    Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
    Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS.
    Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR:
    Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH.
    Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE.
    Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON.
    Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET.
    Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED.
    Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

    FLY BY.
    Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

  • Barbie

    A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

    The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

    Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

    "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

  • The Shortest Essay

    This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Tamworth who won the World’s Shortest Essay competition.

    He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Sydney for his imagination and humour…

    Here it is…

    Shortest Essay:

    An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

    • Religion

    • Royalty

    • Physical Disability

    • Racism

    • Homosexuality

    The prize-winner wrote:

    ‘My God,’ cried the Queen, ‘That one-legged coon is a poofter’.

  • Arthur’s Golf

    Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

    One day he arrives home looking downcast.
           
    "That’s it," he tells his wife, "I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball I can’t see where it went."
           
    His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
           
    "That’s no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother’s a hundred  and three. He can’t help."
           
    "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
           
    So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
           
    He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
           
    He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
           
    "Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
           
    "Where did it go?" says Arthur.
           
    "I don’t remember."

  • Crows

    Who said that crows were smart.

    I heard that they found about 200 dead crows near Halifax , and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

    They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone’s relief.

    However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

    The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.

    The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.

    When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

    His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

  • Very Punny

    • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
    • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
    • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
    • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
    • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
    • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
    • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
    • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
    • I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
    • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
    • I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
    • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
    • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
    • When chemists die, they barium.
    • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
    • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
    • PMS jokes aren’t funny; period…
    • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
    • We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
    • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
    • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
    • When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.
    • Broken pencils are pointless.
    • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
    • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
    • All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
    • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
    • Velcro – what a rip off!

  • The Courtroom

    A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

    From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

    "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

    "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

    "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

    "You cheap son of a… " the spectator starts to shout.

    The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

    "I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

  • The Vegas Pro

    A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

    Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

    Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

    The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?"

    "Yes."

    "Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?"

    "Yes."

    "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?"

    "Yes."

    "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500."

    Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.

    A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

    The hooker replies, "$1,500."

    "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!"

    The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500."

    The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

    Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

    The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

    "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

    "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

  • Things You Can Only Say at Christmas

    1.     I prefer breasts to legs.
    2.     Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 
    3.     Smother the butter all over the breasts. 
    4.     If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst! 
    5.     I’ve never seen a better spread! 
    6.     I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 
    7.     Are you ready for seconds yet? 
    8.     It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 
    9.     Just wait your turn, you’ll get some! 
    10.     Don’t play with your meat! 
    11.     Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 
    12.     Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once? 
    13.     I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time! 
    14.     You still have a little bit on your chin. 
    15.     How long will it take after you put it in? 
    16.     You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up. 
    17.     Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 
    18.     That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had! 
    19.     I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning. 
    20.     Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more.

  • Chess

    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

    ‘But why?’ they asked, as they moved off.

    ‘Because,’ he said ‘I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.’