The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • Jack Visits the Doctor

    Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I’m having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

    After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you except if you’re willing to try an experimental treatment."

    Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

    Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it."

    A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.

    To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.

    His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

    Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I’m not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

  • Torture at Guantanamo Bay

    Today the CIA admitted it was responsible for the recent accusations of torture at Guantanamo Bay.

    Billy Bob Johnson, the chief station manager at the Guantanamo Bay prison said that the United States of America had to hold its hands up and admit that it had allowed its CIA operatives to feed the prisoners nothing but McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken meals whilst forcing them to listen to Christian Rock Music for up to 20 hour periods at a time without any break.

    The CIA apologised for the allegations and promised to review its policy of using fast food and Christian Rock Music as a method of torture.

  • The Virgin

    The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

    "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

    And then they made love for the first time.

    Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

    Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

    Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

    After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

    The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

    Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

    She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

    Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!"

  • The Earthquake in Pakistan

    A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Pakistan .
    Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
    The country is totally ruined, and the government doesn’t know where to start, with providing help to rebuild.
    The rest of the world is in shock.
    The USA is sending troops to help.
     
    Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
    Latin American countries are sending supplies.
    New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
    The Asians are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
    Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
     
    Canada, not to be outdone, is sending two million Pakistanis as replacements.

    God Bless Canadian generosity….

  • Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme

    Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care) – Customer Review

    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.

    I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

    At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

    Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

    Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it’s way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it’s engines behind me.

    This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

    Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…" Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect…:)

  • Farting Loudly

    This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

    The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

    Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

    The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

    She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

    Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

    The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

    She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.

    "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

    "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

  • A Bachelor Went to Europe

    A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

    In a day he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’, and the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he died."

    After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

  • Weapons of Math Destruction

    At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

    At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI weapons of math instruction.

    "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
    As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
    President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

    Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.

  • The Mental Home

    A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

    The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

    "Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?’

    The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

    "Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

    "Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

    "Absolutely," said the head.

    "Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

    "An interesting possibility," said the head.

    "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a kettle."

  • Little Johnny at Camp

    One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

    His teacher replies "NO"

    Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

    "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

    Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

    She again says "NO".

    "But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

    "Well I suppose it’s OK" replies the teacher.

    Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT’S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

    Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".